If you have a collection of one-liners in your language (other than english), please mail them.
It would be great to share a multilingual collection here!

If you want more, go have a look at  http://www.coolsig.com/ they have sigs sorted by type - neat!

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

(A)bort, (R)etry,(I)nfluence with large hammer.

<-------- The information went data way -------->

11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

43% of all statistics are worthless.

668: The Neighbour of the Beast.

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you prove that you don't need it.

A bank manager is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it starts to rain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer -- it sings because it has a song.

A broken bone can heal, but the wound a word opens can fester forever.

A budget is something we go without to stay within.

A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee.

A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mind is a good thing to lose.

A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.

A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour.

A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A crumb from a winner's table is better than a feast from a loser's table!

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.

A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

A day without sunshine is like night

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.

A face without freckles is like a sky without stars.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like and elephant.

A free agent is anything but.

A friend is someone that won't begin to talk behind your back when you leave the room.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

A full cup must be carried steadily.

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

A goal properly set is halfway reached.

A good example is the best sermon.

A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help another up.

A good idea will keep you awake during the morning, but a great idea will keep you awake during the night.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.

A good pun is it's own reword.

A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

A great many open minds should be closed for repairs.

A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.

A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.

A hard thing about business is minding your own.

A heavy burden does not kill on the day it is carried.

A hospital is a place where the staff have more complaints than the patients.

A hundred mistakes are an education if you learn something from each one.

A job worth doing is worth complaining about.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

A king's castle is his home.

A lie is a coward's way of getting out of trouble.

A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses.

A little lie is like a little pregnancy it doesn't take long before everyone knows.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

A man can't ride your back unless it's bent.

A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.

A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.

A man is never astonished that he doesn't know what another does; but he is surprised at the gross ignorance of the other in not knowing what he does.

A man may make many mistakes, but is not a failure until he starts blaming someone else for them.

A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life.

A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement.

A man who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones.

A man who thinks he is smarter than his wife, has a very smart wife!

A man who throws dirt looses ground.

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

A man's feet should be planted in his country, but his eyes should survey the world.

A mediocre idea that generates enthusiasm will go further than a great idea that inspires no one.

A mind, like a home, is furnished by its owner, so if one's life is cold and bare he can blame none but himself.

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

A novel has a beginning, a muddle and an end.

A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.

A perfect method for adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large.

A person is grown up not when they can take care of themselves, but when they can take care of others.

A person who trusts no one can't be trusted.

A person without knowledge of his history is like a tree without roots.

A person's character and their garden both reflect the amount of weeding that was done during the growing season.

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.

A photograph is often looked at. It is seldom looked into.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

A program is never finished until the programmer dies.

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

A proverb is the wisdom of many and the wit of one.

A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune.

A relationship is like sand in your hand. If held loosely in the palm of your hand it stays there, but as soon as you close your hand tightly it slips through your fingers.

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

A rule to live by: I won't use anything I can't explain in five minutes.

A scientist knows more & more about less & less till he knows everything about nothing while a philosopher knows less & less about more & more till he knows nothing about everything.

A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.

A signature always reveals a man's character -- and sometimes even his name.

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

A single fact can spoil a good argument.

A single reason why you can do something is worth 100 reasons why you can't.

A smile is a fortune, but you can't sell it, you can't buy it and you can't steal it, but it isn't good to anyone until it is given away.

A smile is the cheapest way to improve your looks, even if your teeth are crooked.

A smile on your face can be felt on anothers heart.

A soft answer turneth away wrath.

A statesman shears the sheep. A politician skins them.

A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.

A theory is no more like a fact than a photograph is like a person.

A ton of regret never made an ounce of difference.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.

A true friend is one who thinks you're a good egg even though you're half-cracked.

A true friend walks in when the world walks out.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn

A typographical error is what used to be known as a spelling error.

A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go.

A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.

A 'wish' changes nothing. A 'decision' changes everything!

A witty saying proves nothing.

A woman needs a man as much as a fish needs a bicycle.

A woman's heart is like a campfire; if you don't tend it often the flame will go out.

Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.

Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do.

Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

Accidents don't just happen; they must be carelessly planned.

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Action may not always be happiness, but there is no happiness without action.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Admit your errors before someone else exaggerates them.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

Air conditioned environment - Do NOT open Windows!

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

All computers wait at the same speed.

All generalizations are false.

All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.

All jobs are easy to the person who doesn't have to do them.

All men can fly, but sadly, only in one direction -- down.

All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.

All sunshine makes a desert.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

All the brains are not under your own hat - go easy in criticising others.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

All you need to know is the user interface.

Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Always and Never are two words to always remember never to use.

Always do right. This will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Always do what you are afraid to do.

Always forgive your enemies but never forget their names.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Always remember to finish what you

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Always try to drive so that your license will expire before you do.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

America is a land where citizens vote for Democrats but hope to live like Republicans.

America is the only country in the world where the poor have a parking problem.

American is a very difficult language mixed with English.

An actor is not quite a human being - but then, who is?

An adolescent is a person who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult.

An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.

An average man wants fair play - with himself umpiring.

An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

An excellent survival kit - a well filled wallet.

An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while a pessimist sees only the red stoplight. . . The truly wise person is colorblind.

An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.

An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.

Anarchy is better that no government at all.

And he disappeared in a puff of logic.

And if one bad cluster should accidentally fail...

Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.

Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood.

Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.

Any program that runs right is obsolete.

Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

Anyone can make a mountain out of a molehill by throwing on more dirt.

Anyone who has time to look for a 4- leaf clover needs to find one.

Anyone who is not a socialist at 16 has no heart, but anyone who still is at 32 has no mind.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

April Fools Day - This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other 364.

Architecture is the art of how to waste space.

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

As easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716.

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.

As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

Ask about the neighbors, then buy the house.

Ask the experienced rather than the learned.

Ask yourself if what you are doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.

Asking the boss for a rise may not be patriotic, but it will help the government with the extra tax if it comes off.

Assassins do it from behind.

At age 20 we worry about what others think of us. At 40 we don't care what they think of us. At 60 we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all.

At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Attitude determines how well you do it.

Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.

Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.

Autopsy is a dying practice.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?

Be aware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Be bold in what you stand for; and careful what you fall for.

Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

Be good or be good at it!

Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.

Be nice to everyone on your way to the top because you pass them all on the way down.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm not one to judge.

Beauty is only skin deep...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

Beauty is quite different from charm, beauty is what you notice in a woman, charm is when a woman notices you.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

Been there, done that and have the tee-shirt to prove it.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot

Before you can break out of prison, you must realize that you are locked up.

Before you point your fingers be sure your hands are clean.

Behavior is a mirror in which everyone shows his image.

Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!

Being cool, is not trying to be cool.

Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time.

Believe in miracles, but don't depend on them.

Believe your beliefs and doubt your doubts.

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Better untaught than ill-taught.

Big doesn't necessarily mean better..sunflowers aren't better than violets.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

Birthdays only come once a year ... aren't you glad you're not a birthday?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Blessed is he who doesn't show hatefulness over what is lost, but instead, shows gratefulness over what is left.

Blowing out another man's flame doesn't make yours shine any brighter, but less.

Bones; there are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

Boredom sets into boring minds.

Born free... taxed to death.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

Buses stop at bus stations, trains at train stations, my desk has a workstation.

Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.

Buy a Pentium II / 400 so you can reboot faster.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Can God create a rock so big that He can't pick it up?

Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse??

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

Cannot load Windows 95, Incorrect DOS Version.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Challenges can be stepping stones or stumbling blocks. It's just a matter of how you view them.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Changing one thing for the better is worth more than proving a thousand things are wrong.

Character is what a person is in the dark.

Charm is getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a "carrier".

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.

Choice has always been a priverledge for those who can afford to pay for it

Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the drive before it has stopped snowing.

CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

COFFEE.EXE Missing---Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

Come, work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."

Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.

Computer hackers do it all night long.

Computer modelers simulate it first.

Computer programmers do it byte by byte.

Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.

Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.

Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.

Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working, if you open windows.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

Computers can never replace human stupidity.

Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Consider how hard it is to change yourself; and you will understand what little chance you have trying to change others.

Constant use will wear out anything... especially friends.

Consumers are statistics, customers are people.

Copy from one its plagiarism. Copy from two its research.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

Courage is your greatest present need.

Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.

Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.

Death is not a period but a comma in the story of life.

Death to all fanatics!

Dedication is not what others expect of you; it is what you can give to others.

Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it.

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls..t before.

Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.

Department of Redundancy Department

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Dieting is wishful shrinking.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.

Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

Do bad and remember, do good and forget.

Do blind Eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

Do Not Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps.

Do one thing at time, with supreme excellence.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.

Do they have a reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Do witches run spell checkers?

Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Doing a thing wrong for a long period of time gives it the superficial appearance of being right.

Don't ask what your community can do for you. Ask what you can do for your community.

Don't be afraid of opposition; Remember a kite rises against, not with the wind.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't be so open-minded your brains might fall out.

Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.

Don't document the program; program the document.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.

Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.

Don't kill the dream - execute it!

Don't let the computer bugs bite!

Don't limit your challenges - challenge your limits.

Don't listen to what I say; listen to what I mean.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

Don't marry for money - you can borrow it cheaper.

Don't Piss me Off - i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Don't Play Leap-Frog With A Unicorn

Don't steal.. The government does not like the competition.

Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.

Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm.

Don't think you're on the right road just because it's a well-beaten path.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.

Don't work for recognition, but do work worthy of recognition.

DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

DOS Tip #21: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something!

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Drink wet cement and get really stoned.

Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.

Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.

Drive defensively - buy a tank.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

E Pluribus Modem

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Easy as 3.14159265358979323846...

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

Eat your spinach and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye. You'll also end up with a girlfriend that looks like Olive Oyl.

Education and intelligence aren't the same thing!

Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and I'm not feeling so marvelous myself.

Email returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

Engineer: a person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Error - Windows 98 installed correctly

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Error:015: Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

Eunuchs, the non-gender-specific OS

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, but you wouldn't go scheduling your day by it would you? Then by the same token don't put too much faith in science.

Even a short pencil is more reliable then the longest memory.

Even if I'm not asleep, that doesn't mean I'm awake.

Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.

Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I...

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Every bug you find is the last one.

Every man reaps what he sows, except the amateur gardener.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error

Every time I type 'win', I loose ...

Everybody has a photographic memory. . . . Some don't have film.

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Everything that can be counted doesn't necessarily count; everything that counts can't necessarily be counted.

Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.

Examine what is said, not who speaks.

Exceptions always outnumber rules.

Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Facts don't disappear just because they're ignored.

Failure doesn't mean you can't - It just means you haven't

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.

False hope is better than no hope at all.

Familiarity breeds children.

Far too many people spend their lives reading the menu instead of enjoying the banquet.

Fat people are harder to kidnap.

Fear doesn't overwhelm you; you let fear overwhelm you.

Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered and no one was there.

Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you're upside down!

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Find out the things you're not good at....then don't do them. - Alf

First, let me say that no matter how bad you think life is,when you consider the alternative -- it ain't all that bad.

Flirtation...Attention without intention.

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

For any problem there is a solution that is simple, quick, and ultimately worse than the problem.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For good or ill, your conversation is your advertisement. Every time you open your mouth you let the people look into your mind.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after it's been stepped on.

Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friendship is a golden chain, the links are friends so dear, and like a rare and precious jewel It's treasured more each year.

Friendship: a building contract you sign with laughter and break with tears.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume.

Give a man a fish and he won't starve for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he won't starve for his entire life.

Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Go see that movie for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it.

Goals are dreams with deadlines.

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

God gave us time so that everything wouldn't happen all at once.

God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Good leaders are like baseball umpires; they go practically unnoticed when doing their jobs right.

Goodness is the only investment that never fails.

Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Great men may die, but there ideas won't.

Guns don't kill people ... but they make it real easy

Half of the world's misery comes from ignorance. The other half comes from intelligence.

Handy Guide to Modern Science: If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Happiness is a path, not a destination.

Happiness is not something you have in your hands; it is something you carry in you heart.

Hard work doesn't harm anyone, but I do not want to take chances.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Hard work has future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all!

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron

Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others

Having someplace to go to is home. Having someone to love is family. Having both is a blessing.

Having the right to do it, doesn't mean it is right to do it.

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

He is not afraid of work, you can tell by the way he fights it.

He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes...

He who buys what he does not need steals from himself.

He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

He who hesitates is probably right.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

He who is not grateful for the good things he has would not be happy with what he wishes he had.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

He who slings mud looses ground.

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Help stamp out and abolish repetitive redundancy!

Help support helpless victims of computer error.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.

Hi, my name is Any Key. Please don't hit me!

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Hiroshima..45........Chernobyl..86........Windows..98....

History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.

History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up.

Hit any user to continue.

Home is where the computer is plugged in.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Hospital is a place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were

Hot heads and cold hearts never solved anything.

How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...

How did a fool and his money GET together?

How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Hugs are not measured by quantity; they are measured by quality.

Humans are like tea bags. They never realize their strength until they are put in hot water.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I always knew that looking back on my tears would someday make me laugh, but I never knew that looking back on my laughter would someday make me cry.

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it.

I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 96% how I react to it.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me

I am having an out of money experience.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

I am so broke, I can't even pay attention.

I am the world's greatest authority on my own opinion.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

I can lead you to the water but I can't let you drink.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.

I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do. That is character!

I close my eyes in order to see.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name"

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.

I don't have a drinking problem! I drink... I get drunk... I fall down... No problem!

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. Want it?

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.

I don't need your attitude I have one of my own.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking.

I finally made my stupid computer faster; I dropped it out of the window, and it went really fast.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

I have a dream: 1,073,741,824 bytes free.

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I haven't found Mr Right but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws

I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I just got lost in thought. . . . It was unfamiliar territory.

I just want to turn on the light and have it work...I don't want to know where the electricity comes from.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I know Karate! ...and several other Japanese words.

I know UNIX, PASCAL, C, FORTRAN, COBOL, and nineteen other high-tech words.

I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

I love animals...they're delicious.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

I make little charge for cutting it. What you'repaying for is my searching for it!"

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed

I ONLY said that it was impossible, NOT that I could not do it!

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.

I said "NO" to drugs... but they just WOULDN'T listen.

I souport publik edekasion

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving!

I think I've found the trouble with our economy. There are far more ways to get into debt, than there are to get out of it.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

I used to be Snow White...but I drifted.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed....

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.>

I want to live forever or die in the attempt.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I wish life had an UNDO function.

I wonder how long it's gonna be before a feminist pilot refuses to enter the cockpit.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

I/O, I/O, it's off to work we go...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it.

I'd rather do something and fail than do nothing and succeed!

If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If A is a success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping your mouth shut.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If all else fails, read the directions.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees

If I had my life to live over I would have talked less and listened more.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If innocence can leave, guilt can come.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.

If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing!

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a small town.

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own, because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give.

If someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't understand.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If the road you travel, has no obstacles, It leads nowhere.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If they lined up all the men in the world... it would be one goofy line.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If things get better with age, I'm approaching magnificent!

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If Winning Is Not Important, Why Keep Score?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances.

If you are wondering what is wrong with the kids of today, take a look at their parents.

If you can keep your head while all about are losing theirs and blaming it on you - perhaps you have underestimated the seriousness of the situation.

If you can laugh when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

If you can't control the wind, adjust your sail.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you could kick the person responsible for most of your troubles in the backside, you wouldn't be able to sit down for two weeks.

If you decide not to choose then you've already made the wrong choice!

If you depend on others to make you happy, you will be endlessly disappointed.

If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.

If you don't do it, you'll never know what would have happened if you had done it.

If you don't know where you're going how do you expect to get there.

If you don't like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!

If you don't love, you can't live; if you don't live, you can't love.

If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

If you ever need a helping hand, there is one at the end of your arm.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart.

If you have the desire, you are halfway there.

If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

If you love something set it free....If it comes back to you it is yours, if it doesn't than it was never meant to be.

If you set the example, you won't need to set many rules.

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

If you shower in your clothes, it shows you're crazy. If you shower nude, it shows your nuts!!!

If you still have the courage after loosing all, you can be rest assured that you have not lost everything.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.

If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.

If you wait to have kids until you can afford them, you probably never will.

If you want a thing well done, do it yourself.

If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

I'm old enough to know better but I'm still to young to care.

I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, okay?

I'm serious; it was a joke.

I'm sorry my Karma ran over your Dogma.

I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't; and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it.

In God we trust. All others we monitor.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

In spite of the cost of living, it's still quite popular.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.

In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.

In two words, "impossible."

Include me out

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

After four decimal places, nobody cares.

A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Intelligence is like underwear, everyone has it but you don't have to show it off.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein

It is a poor workman who blames his tools.

It is a small world, but I wouldn't like to have to paint it.

It is always the ones who talk loudest who do the least.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

It is better to be 5 minutes late than dead for 5 minutes.

It is better to forget and smile, than to remember and be sad.

It is better to have bad breath than to have no breath at all.

It is better to live day by day for you might not be here tomorrow.

It is better to regret something you did, rather than to regret something you didn't do.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.

It is better to sleep on what you intend doing than to stay awake over what you've done.

It is difficult to "go with the flow" when you are swimming upstream.

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless!

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

It is hard to read a cartoon aloud.

It is hard to stumble when you're on your knees.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

It is nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

It is not against the law to be stupid, but it is stupid to be against the law.

It is not raining. The sky leaks.

It is not the speaker who controls communication, but the listener.

It is not what a teenager knows that worries his parents. It's how he found out.

It is not what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

It is not, how much you know...It is making the best use of what you know !

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

It is our responsibility, not ourselves that we should take seriously.

It is strange how an earthquake 4,0 00 miles away seems less of a catastrophe than the first scratch on your new car.

It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are most likely to be remembered.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit in the drive.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

It takes more money to amuse todays children than it took to educate their parents.

It works better if you plug it in.

It works! Now if only I could remember what I did...

It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.

It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.

It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

It's hard to plan for the future... When you're so damn busy fixing what you screwed up yesterday

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

It's not a bug; it's an undocumented feature.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week, and the government spends 7.

I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.

Jesus paid for our sins... Now, lets get our money's worth!

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Just because a person grows older, it doesn't mean he necessarily grows up.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday along came today.

Keep your head in the clouds.. you're the first to know when it rains, and it's easier to see the silver lining.

Keyboard : Instrument used to enter errors into computer.

Keyboard not connected, press to F1 continue.

Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.

Killing time murders opportunities.

Kite fliers keep it up longer.

Knowing without doing is like plowing without sowing.

KODACLONE - duplicating film.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV. So I put the cat there.

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it!

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Laughter is like changing a baby's nappy. It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes thing more acceptable for awhile.

Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart.

Lawyer (n): Larval stage of Politician.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Learn to listen, opportunity often knocks softly.

Let nature take its course and hope it passes.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Let us so live that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards.

Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.

Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds you down or polishes you up, depends upon what you're made of.

Life is a terminal disease!

Life is hard, no one makes it out alive.

Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know when you'll find a nut.

Life is like a ladder, the higher you climb, the more expansive your view is.

Life is like a mirror, if you frown at it, it frowns back; if you smile, it returns the greeting.

Life is like a movie..How good you do depends on your critics.

Life is like an onion. You peel it off layer by layer and sometimes you cry.

Life is so much simpler when you tell the truth.

Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

Life just gives you time & space; it's up to you to fill it.

Life sucks - but so does the alternative.

Life's a bitch, then you die.

Live by what you trust, not by what you fear.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Love has reasons that reason knows nothing of.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener

Love is the unity of two hearts beating together as one.

Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

Love sees no color.

Love, like paint, can make things beautiful when you spread it, but it simply dries up when you don't use it.

LSD melts your mind, not in your hand

Luck is a loser's excuse for a winner's position!

Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

MACINTOSH stands for Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs.

Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one!

Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.

Many people lose their tempers merely by seeing you keep yours.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Marriage - is an expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.

Mary had a little RAM- about a MEG or so.

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]

May your life be long and useful like a roll of toilet paper.

May your trouble be like the old man's teeth...few and far between.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Melted fruit snacks found on Keyboard. Delete nephew [Y/N]?

Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.

Middle age starts when you have been warned to slow down, not by a motorcycle cop, but by your doctor.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.

Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Money is an excellent servant, but a horrible master.

Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

More doors are opened with "please" than with keys.

Most accidents happen at home - maybe we oughta move.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Murphy's Law isn't recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory

My friend told me he doesn't believe in superstition. He says that would be bad luck.

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those whodo the work and those who take the credit.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My reality check just bounced.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

My worst day of vacation has always been better than my best day at work.

Need some time to be alone, try washing the dishes!

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Never argue with a stupid person. First they'll drag you down to their level, then they will beat you with experience.

Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Never kick a man unless he's down.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

Never let a problem become an excuse!

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

Never say anything unless it is kind, necessary and true.

Never stand between a dog and a tree.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

No answer is also an answer.

No happy time is really gone, if it leaves a special memory.

No horse goes as fast as the money you bet on him.

No individual raindrop ever considers itself responsible for the flood.

No man is rich enough to buy back his past.

No man is too big to be kind...but many men are too little.

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

No one is responsible for all the things that happen to him, but he is responsible for the way he acts when they do happen.

No one plans to fail but people can fail to plan.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Nostalgia makes me long for the good old days.

Not all women are annoying ... some are dead.

Not tonight dear.... I have a modem.

Note on a door: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

Nothing seems impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Nothing seems to bring on an emergency as quickly as putting money aside in case of one.

Notice: The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

Now that I've given up hope I feel much better...

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Of course I know how to copy disks. Where's the xerox machine?

Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.

Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Old Mcdonald had a computer, with EIA I/O.

Old McDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.

On a front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

One good thing about forgetting is that you can no longer worry about what ever it was you forgot.

One if by LAN, 2 if by C, 3 if by ERR.

One often learns more from ten days of agony than from ten years of contentment.

One person's error is another person's data.

One picture is worth 128K words.

One reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

One thing you can give and still keep, is your word.

One time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it is holding a parking ticket.

One youngster was explaining to another what "mixed emotions" meant. "It's like watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk," he said.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears

Only boring people get bored.

Only the winners decide what were war crimes.

Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.

Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am.

Optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than look back.

Our parents were never our age.

Owners of digital watches: Your day's are numbered!

Pain and Suffering is inevitable but Misery is optional.

Passion: A feeling you feel when you feel a feeling you've never felt before.

Patience is the silken cord on which are strung the pearls of virtue.

Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes.

People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

People are never too busy to tell you all that they have to do.

People don't care how much you know, till they know how much you care!

People don't plan to fail- they just fail to plan.

People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it.

People may not always believe what you say, but they will believe what you do.

People never say, "It's only a game", when they're winning.

People who are often in a hurry imagine they are energetic, when in most cases they are simply inefficient.

People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

People who think they're out of this world always make you wish they were.

People who value their privileges above their principles, soon lose both.

People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!

People would enjoy life more if, once they got what they wanted, they could remember how much they wanted it.

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Plan ahead: It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark!

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Politics: Poly (many) + ticks (bloodsucking parasites)

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

Power means not having to respond.

Praise can be your most valuable asset as long as you don't aim it at yourself.

Presence is more than just being there. If your absence doesn't make any difference, your presence won't either.

Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue....

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer's Time-Space Continuum: Programmers continuously space the time.

Progress is made on alternative Fridays.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.

Quality assurance dosen't.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

QUARKBAR - the candy with flavor and charm.

QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.

Reach for the moon. If you miss, you may fall on a star.

Read my chips: No new upgrades!

Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out.

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.

REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.

Recipe; a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Recursive, adj.; see Recursive

Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Refusing to have an opinion is a way of having one.

Remember that failure is an event - not a person.

Remember, your relatives had no choice in the matter either.

Reputation is made in a moment: character is built in a lifetime.

Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die!

Respect cannot be learned, purchased or acquired - it can only be earned.

Respect is mutual, if you don't respect others viewpoints, chances are they won't acknowledge yours.

Revenge has no more quenching effect on emotions, than salt water has on thirst.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Save time ... see it my way.

Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter

Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it

Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.

Second place is the first loser.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Sex is a disrobic experience

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Share your smile with everyone, but save your kiss for only one.

She is an expert housekeeper: every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants.

Silence is the only thing that can't be misquoted!

Silence is the ultimate weapon of power.

Silence is wise if we are foolish, but foolish if we are wise.

Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.

Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Skier; one who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Smile! It increases your face value.

Smile.... it makes others wonder what you're thinking.

Smith & Wesson -- the original point and click interface.

Snowflakes are some of nature's most fragile things, but just look what happens when they stick together.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; Others whenever they go.

Some goals are so worthy, it's glorious even to fail.

Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.

Some have the wisdom of old age and the energy of youth. Most have the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

Some minds are like concrete... all mixed up and permanently set.

Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

Some people are wise, and some are otherwise.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it

Some people take too much of vitamin "I".

Some succeed because they are destined to. But most succeed because they are determined to.

Some things that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Sometimes I know that there is intelligent life on other planets because they haven't tried to contact us.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

Sometimes it costs more to do nothing than to do something.

Sometimes it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Space is a dangerous place...especially if it's between your ears!

Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"

Speed Kills! Use Windows 95.

SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.

Statistics is like a Bikini; what is revealed is suggestive, but what is concealed is vital.

Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Studies show that 3/4 of people make up 75% of the population.

Adam to Eve: "I'll wear the plants in this family."

Stupidity is NOT a handicap! PARK ELSEWHERE!

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Success is a ladder that can not be climbed with your hands in your pockets.

Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You have got to set your self on fire for it.

Success is relative - the more success, the more relatives.

Success occurs when opportunity meets preparation.

Success: its an never ending improvement in what you do.

Suffering well borne is better than suffering removed.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.

Taco Bell Laboratories: where UNIX programmers eat out.

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Take care of your character and your reputation will take care of itself.

Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it.

Talk is cheap - Because supply exceeds demand.

Tandy - you can buy better, but you can't pay more.

Tears will get you sympathy. Sweat will get you results.

Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike.

Television ruins more minds than drugs.

Telling the boss what a good worker you are is worth 1%..showing him is worth 96%.

Telling the truth and making someone cry is just as bad as telling a lie and making someone smile!

That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.

That which you cannot give away, you don't possess; it possesses you.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The act of giving is more important than the merit of the receiver.

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

The attitude within is more important than the circumstances without.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

The best bridge between hope and despair is often a good night's sleep.

The best things in life aren't things.

The best way to overcome temptation is to avoid the tempting situation.

The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

The biggest man you ever did see once was a baby.

The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The collapse of character begins with compromise.

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working

The computer is not smart. It only think it is

The Congress is a strange place where people get up and speak, nobody listens, and then everyone disagrees at the top of their lungs.

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

The desire of love is to give. The desire of lust is to get.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.

The factory worked well until we put people in it.

The farthest we can currently see into space is 14 billion light years.

The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes theother 90% of the time.

The first duty of love is to listen.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

The future isn't what it used to be.

The gap between advice and help is very wide.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own.

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

The horn of plenty is usually the one behind you in traffic!

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

The longer you wait, the better the date.

The Lottery is a tax on people who are bad at maths.

The measure of a man is not the number of servants he has, but the number of people he serves.

The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.

The mind is like a parachute, it's no good unless it's open!

The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.

The more I know the more I know I don't know.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

The noblest revenge is to forgive.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The one item you want is never the one on sale.

The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breath.

The only place you can win a football game is on the field. The only place you can lose it is in your head.

The only stupid question is the question you don't ask.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.

The only way to be free is to limit yourself.

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

The opinion of the intelligent is better than the certainty of the ignorant.

The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.

The person who says he trusts no one should include himself.

The pessimist complains about the direction of the wind, the optimist expects the direction to change, but the leader simply adjusts the sails!

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.

The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.

The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

The road to to success is always under construction.

The same sun that melts butter hardens clay.

The secret of true greatness is simplicity.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease..sometimes it gets replaced.

The sum of human knowledge is not contained in any one language.

The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.

The trouble with work is - it's so daily.

The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

The wonder of a single snowflake outweighs the wisdom of a million meteorologists.

The woods are always empty if you're a poor hunter.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to dance.

The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions.

The zoo is a place for animals to study the behavior of human beings.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those.

There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

There are no passengers on spaceship Earth- we are all the crew.

There are no strangers in this world, just friends we've never met.

There are no substitutes for fresh air, sunshine and exercise.

There are three dimensions to credit cards, length, width and debt.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself; hire someone; or forbid your kids to do it.

There are two types of people in this world: those who leave a mark, and others who just leave a stain.

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

There can be no rainbow without a cloud and a storm.

There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

There is an exception to every rule - and most people think they are it.

There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.

There is no future in time travel.

There is no gravity. Earth sucks!

There is no such thing as government money, only taxpayer money.

There is nothing wrong in having nothing to say, unless you insist on saying it.

There is nothing wrong with people possessing riches. The wrong comes when riches possess people.

There is some consolation in the fact that even if your dreams haven't come true- neither have your nightmares.

There was a break at the prison yesterday. An ex-fortune teller, described as being short with dark hair, broke out of prison. The public is advisedto be on the lookout for a small medium at large.

There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.

There's no future in time travel.

There's no need to fear falling - it's the sudden stop at the bottom that warrants the fear

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

These settings will have no effect until you restart the system. Reset Universe (Y/N) ?

They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!

This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

Those we hurt the most are often those we love the most.

Those who admire the freedom of birds have never built a nest.

Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!

Those who can't write, write help files.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Those who say it can't be done are usually interrupted by others doing it.

Those with the best advice usually offer no advice.

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

Time is like money: you can either spend, waste, or invest!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

To accomplish something, the first person you have to defeat is yourself.

To all you virgins... thanks for nothing.

To be or not to be... I think its a trick question.

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

To do is to be -- Marx. Do be do be do -- Sinatra.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.

To err is human. To forgive is unusual.

To find the person you can truly trust, look no further than the nearest mirror.

To forgive calls upon our love - to forget calls upon our strength.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group

To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.

To think too long about doing a thing, often becomes its undoing.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

Today is the last day of your life so far.

TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.

Treat anger like gold. Spend it wisely or not at all.

Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you, not because they are nice, but because you are.

Triumph is "umph" added to try.

True happiness may be sought, thought, or caught -- but never bought.

Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.

Trust is like money; you spend it, you save it, you lend it, and sometimes you get robbed.

Try a little kindness. As little as possible.

Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell.

Two kinds of people: Those who finish what they start and ...

Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

Ulcers are caused not so much by what we eat as what's eating us.

Ulcers are something you get from mountain climbing over molehills.

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!

User error: replace user and press any key to continue.

Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Vision is not seeing things as they are, but as they will be.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left

Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Wasting time is an important part of life.

We all get heavier as we get older because there is a lot more information in our heads.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

We blame fate for other accidents, but we feel personally responsible when we make a hole in one.

We can admire what we see, but we can only love what we truly know.

We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom.

We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys.

We can't control the wind, but we have the power to adjust the sails.

We could accomplish a lot more if we'd get rid of our ifs and and's; and get off our butts.

We could all take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.

We don't want a thing because we have found a reason for it- we find a reason for it because we want it.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened.

We often see further through a tear, than through a telescope.

We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.

We treat this world of ours as though we had a spare in the trunk.

We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.

Wealth buys leisure, but not wisdom.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Well done is better than well said.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

What boots up must come down.

What do they call English muffins in England?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

What is another name for a thesaurus?

What is right is often forgotten by what is convenient.

What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.

What now is proved was once only imagined.

What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul.

What sunshine is to flowers...smiles are to humanity.

What the caterpillar calls the end, the butterfly calls the beginning.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What we see is mainly what we look for.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?

When a person wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince them.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you.

When everything seems to be going against you, remember the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."

When I was a kid, all we had to do was just sit around and hope somebody would invent television so we could play Nintendo.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It make the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

When in doubt, don't bother.

When in doubt, ignore it.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.

When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

When someone says, "do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative one.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

When the mouth stumbles, it is worse than the foot.

When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

When there's a will, there's a way..when there's a won't, there isn't.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia.

When you aim for perfection you discover it is a moving target.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.

When you are standing on the edge of a cliff a step forward is not progress.

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.

When you hear a kind word spoken about a friend, tell her so.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Wherever you are - be all there.

Who gossips to you will gossip of you.

Who got it, did get it; and who left it, did regret it.

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

Whoever follows a crowd will never be followed by a crowd.

Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why did we name it P.M.S.? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Why do noses run and feet smell ?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Win with humility; lose with grace.

Windows 3.1 not found: (C)heer, (P)arty, (D)ance?

Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something.

WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology.

Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.

Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald.

Without risk there is no opportunity for gain.

Women Like Simple Things In Life......like men!

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you many never owe.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Xerox does it again and again and again and...

Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You always find something in the last place you look.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.

You are young only once, but you can be immature all your life.

You better think about the future, for it's where you will spend the rest of your life.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

You can never understand the true value of something until you don't have it anymore.

You can send a message around the world in 1/7 of a second; yet it may take several years to move a simple idea through a 1/4 inch of human skull.

You can survive on charm for about 5 minutes...after that, you'd better know something!

You can win more friends with your ears than you can with your mouth!

You can't build character & courage by taking away men's initiative & independence.

You can't do anything, if you believe you can't.

You can't get to the top by sitting on your bottom.

You can't help the poor man by destroying the rich.

You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You can't test courage cautiously.

You can't train a horse with shouts, and expect it to obey a whisper.

You don't have to blow out anothers candle to make yours shine bright.

You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.

You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.

You either have to be first, best, or different.

You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.

You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.

You never want the one you can afford.

You only have one chance to make a first impression.

You will face many defeats in your life, but never let yourself be defeated.

You will never be promoted until you become over-qualified for your present position.

You wouldn't care what people thought of you if you realized how seldom they do.

Your actions speak so loud that I can't hear what you're saying.

Your brain is that bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

Your temper is the only thing you can lose and still have.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, as long as you don't have to go along.

You're in middle age when you realize you have more on your mind and less on your head.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Youth is when we are always hunting greener pastures, and middle age is when we can barely mow the one we've got.