Quotes by Jack Handy
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying". And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did".
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you are swimming.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke". But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!”
If you ever fall off the Empire State Building, I think you should go limp and act like a dummy, then maybe people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
If you’re ever on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror because I bet that would really throw you into a panic.