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Canonical List Of Lawyer Humor (Court Jester) Archive-Name: lawyer Last-Modified: 94/11/07 Version: 2.09 Total-Joke-Count: 318 Send additions, corrections, comments to hjiwa@nor.chevron.com E-mail contributors get the next new issue e-mailed back to them with credits to their entry noted. If posting additions to this list, do not include the entire list again in your post. Disclaimer: This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; Copyright (C) 1994 Joker's Wild; all rights reserved; this document is distribution copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute this posting and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include the posting or parts of it in commercial publications; further redistributions of this document are only allowed unedited and in its entirety via anonymous FTP, electronic transmissions, storage media, or printed copy as long as this notice is included and no monetary fee is charged; jokes subject to change without notice; jokes are slightly enlarged to show detail; resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and coincidental; hand wash only, drip dry; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; quantities are limited while supplies last; this Usenet offer is void where prohibited; humor is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; an equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; parental advisory: explicit lyrics; text may contain material some readers may find objectionable; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; jokes may have settled during mailing; sealed for your protection, do not use if safety seal is broken; safety goggles may be required during use; call before you dig; use only with proper ventilation; for external use only; if a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; do not place jokes near flammable or magnetic source; avoid inhaling fumes or contact with mucous membranes; smoking these jokes may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; joke text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a humorologist; jokes are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; one size fits all; joke offer valid only at participating Usenet sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; if defects are discovered, do not try to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized joke service center; this disclaimer does not cover tornado, flood, hurricane, lightning, earthquake, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, typos, misspelled words, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered signatures, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in the joke list, and incidents owing to motor vehicle accidents, ship sinking, airplane crash, accidental file deletions, projectiles, or dropping the item; other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on. Send all flames to yourhonor@/dev/null :-) Note: To keep this as a plain text file, remove all "cut-here" lines and the Unix nroff format commands present above the first "cut-here" above. To convert this document to Unix man page format, remove all "cut-here" lines and feed the entire file into the command `nroff -Tlp -man thisfile`. To search for the main subject headings, `grep "^== " thisfile` To search for the new entries made since the last version, find ">NEW<". To search for additions or improvements to existing entries, find ">IMPROVED<". Many thanks to the following contributors since the last version: dlr1@world.std.com (Dominic L Rotondi) CONTENTS RIDDLES COURTROOM HUMOR LAW HUMOR LAWYER HUMOR ================================================================================ == RIDDLES ===================================================================== -= riddles =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor. -= riddles =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator. -= riddles =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! -= riddles =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------------- In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot? Use all three bullets on the lawyer. -= riddles =-= 5 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead. -= riddles =-= 6 =----------------------------------------------------------- What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! -= riddles =-= 7 =----------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. -= riddles =-= 8 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. -= riddles =-= 9 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk. -= riddles =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk? Nobody wants to hit a skunk. -= riddles =-= 11 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers? There are some things that would gag even a vulture. -= riddles =-= 12 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. -= riddles =-= 13 =----------------------------------------------------------- What do you do if you run over a lawyer? Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel. -= riddles =-= 14 =----------------------------------------------------------- How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them. -= riddles =-= 15 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. -= riddles =-= 16 =----------------------------------------------------------- What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. -= riddles =-= 17 =----------------------------------------------------------- When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys! -= riddles =-= 18 =----------------------------------------------------------- How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. -= riddles =-= 19 =----------------------------------------------------------- Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: No. Good! -= riddles =-= 20 =----------------------------------------------------------- How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water. -= riddles =-= 21 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket. -= riddles =-= 22 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat. -= riddles =-= 23 =----------------------------------------------------------- How do you kill 4000 lawyers? You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink. -= riddles =-= 24 =----------------------------------------------------------- What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin? Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species? -= riddles =-= 25 =----------------------------------------------------------- If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? -= riddles =-= 26 =----------------------------------------------------------- How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough. -= riddles =-= 27 =----------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. -= riddles =-= 28 =----------------------------------------------------------- What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass. -= riddles =-= 29 =----------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand. -= riddles =-= 30 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside! -= riddles =-= 31 =----------------------------------------------------------- What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy. -= riddles =-= 32 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish. -= riddles =-= 33 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish? One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water. -= riddles =-= 34 =----------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore. -= riddles =-= 35 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies. -= riddles =-= 36 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation? A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance. -= riddles =-= 37 =----------------------------------------------------------- What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? Respect. -= riddles =-= 38 =----------------------------------------------------------- What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common? They're all slime. -= riddles =-= 39 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car accident on the other side. -= riddles =-= 40 =----------------------------------------------------------- What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer? You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM. -= riddles =-= 41 =----------------------------------------------------------- What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them? You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" -= riddles =-= 42 =----------------------------------------------------------- What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers? He would starve to death. -= riddles =-= 43 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why don't hyenas eat lawyers? Even hyenas has some dignity. -= riddles =-= 44 =----------------------------------------------------------- What do you call an honest lawyer? An impossibility. -= riddles =-= 45 =----------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer? Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit. -= riddles =-= 46 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career? At least he wasn't a lawyer. -= riddles =-= 47 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between pigs and lawyers. You can learn to respect a pig. -= riddles =-= 48 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between baseball and law? In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. -= riddles =-= 49 =----------------------------------------------------------- Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. -= riddles =-= 50 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs. -= riddles =-= 51 =----------------------------------------------------------- Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach? Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand. -= riddles =-= 52 =----------------------------------------------------------- What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. -= riddles =-= 53 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances. -= riddles =-= 54 =----------------------------------------------------------- Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery. -= riddles =-= 55 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time. -= riddles =-= 56 =----------------------------------------------------------- What do lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities. -= riddles =-= 57 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why are lawyers great in bed? They get so much practice screwing people. -= riddles =-= 58 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more. -= riddles =-= 59 =----------------------------------------------------------- Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor? -= riddles =-= 60 =----------------------------------------------------------- What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred. -= riddles =-= 61 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night. -= riddles =-= 62 =----------------------------------------------------------- If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism? -= riddles =-= 63 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why to lawyers wear neckties? To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. -= riddles =-= 64 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman. -= riddles =-= 65 =----------------------------------------------------------- How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof? About 3 1/2 if you slice them thin enough. -= riddles =-= 66 =----------------------------------------------------------- What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? The tie around a lawyer's neck. -= riddles =-= 67 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. -= riddles =-= 68 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association? Yogurt has culture. -= riddles =-= 69 =----------------------------------------------------------- How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. -= riddles =-= 70 =----------------------------------------------------------- If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. -= riddles =-= 71 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got to pick first. -= riddles =-= 72 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? Because people could not tell which side to spit on. -= riddles =-= 73 =----------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. -= riddles =-= 74 =----------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox. -= riddles =-= 75 =----------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People couldn't decide which side to spit on. -= riddles =-= 76 =----------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux? -= riddles =-= 77 =----------------------------------------------------------- Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. -= riddles =-= 78 =----------------------------------------------------------- How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. A2: None, lawyers only screw us. A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... A4: How many can you afford? A5: Three. One to change it and two to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!" A6: 65. 42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house, and 9 to sue the bulb manufacturers. A7: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services. A8: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." A9: None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the following bill: Item Light bulb Charge $2185 (Itemization of bill charges) Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum) $ 400 Connectivity charge $ 100 Staff charge $ 250 Secretary prepared bill $ 2 Research fee $ 422 Consulting fee $ 431 Paralegal processing fees $ 25 Specialized equipment $ 122 Bought bulb $ 5 Overnight express delivery $ 34 Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $ 394 A10: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company. -= riddles =-= 79 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn. -= riddles =-= 80 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why has the Baptist church quit baptizing lawyers? Because they can't get the ring out of the baptismal tub. (Baptism in the Baptist church involves complete immersion in what looks like a very large bathtub.) -= riddles =-= 81 =----------------------------------------------------------- What did the disgruntled laywer say? Get off my case! ================================================================================ == COURTROOM HUMOR ============================================================= -= courtroom humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------- Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer. Justice: A decision in your favor. -= courtroom humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------- Between the pigeons and the politicians, it's hard to keep the courthouse clean. -= courtroom humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------- A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" -= courtroom humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------- It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people wit |