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Simple Duties You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5 But return with beer: -5 You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5 You pummel it with a six iron: +10 It's her father: -10 Driving You lose the directions on a trip: -4 You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15 You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal: -25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60 Communication When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5 You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or licking up a newspaper: +10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10 Social Engagements You stay by her side the entire party: 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2 Named Tiffany: -4 Tiffany is a dancer: -6 Tiffany has implants: -8 Saturday Afternoons You visit her parents: +1 You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3 You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3 And the television is off: -6 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6 And you didn't even go to college: -10 And it's not really your underwear: -15 A Night Out, Just The Two of You You go see a comic: +2 He's crude and sexist: -2 You laugh: -5 You laugh too much: -10 She's not laughing: -15 You laugh harder: -25 Thoughtfulness You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25 Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50 A Night Out with Your Pals You have a few beers: -9 For every beer after three, -2 again And miss curfew by an hour: -12 You get home at 3 a.m.: -20 You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30 And not wearing any pants: -40 Is that a tattoo? -20 Her Birthday You take her out to dinner: 0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1 Okay, it is a sports bar: -2 And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10 You give her a gift: 0 You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10 You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months:+30 You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day:-10 With her credit card: -30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40 |