TILBAGE CANONICAL LIST OF FULLDECKISMS (As in, "He's not playing with a full deck.") A compendium of insults and "not all there" comments from various sources, beginning with rec.humor, April 1987. Criteria: Humorousness; completeness; uniqueness of essence (minimize redundancy); brevity; consistency; avoid gender bias, ethnic slurs, and other really offensive material; keep in sorted order with correct spelling and grammar. "Duh!" on parade. $HOME = /dev/null. 3K RAM free, no EMS. A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world. A 1.0 in a 4.5 installation. A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth. A 20th century man... The guy has no future. A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards. A bad case of colon nose. A barnacle on the ship of progress. A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem. A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes. A butter knife in a steak / prime rib world. A candidate for optorectomy. (Disconnection of optic nerve from rectum, to repair a crappy outlook on life.) A couple of blocks behind the parade. A day late and a dollar short. A deadbolt with a broken cylinder. A dim bulb in the marquee of life. A face designed for radio. A face designed in a wind tunnel. A few dice short of a full bag / role-player. A few photons short of a hologram / holodeck. A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question? A great deal of pride, but very little to be proud of. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A hemorrhoid on the face of the world. A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum. A kangaroo loose in her top paddock. A lap behind the field. A legend in his own mind. A logically defunct twit. A looney tune. A lot of feathers but not much chicken. -- Kim Mitchell A medical mystery. A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel. A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running. A minefield of information. A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes. A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body. A notch off the timing mark. A one-bit brain with a parity error. A pacifist out of necessity / always loses in a battle of wits. A PBS mind in an MTV world. A penalty kick over the bar. (In soccer.) A peripheral visionary. A person of rare intelligence... It's rare when he shows any. A photographic memory, but no film / never developed / the lens cover is glued on. A poor excuse for protoplasm. A prime candidate for natural deselection. A quart low. A real rocket scientologist. A real space cadet. A return with no gosub. A room temperature IQ -- centigrade. A semitone flat on the high notes. A single-cylinder brain in a V8 world. A socketless drone in a plug-and-play world. A square with only three sides. A standard deviant. A statue in a world of pigeons. A T1 line of pure stupid. A teapot with a cracked lid. A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs. A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world. A VGA card and a Herc monitor. A victim of retroactive birth control. A violin minus the bow. A walking argument for birth control / post-natal abortion. A waste of skin. A wind-up clock without a key. About half smart. Adult child of alien invaders. Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much. Ain't no psionicist. (role-playing games) Airhead / bubble-brain. Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray -- twice. Alive today only because it's illegal to kill him. All booster, no payload. All cassette, no tape. All crown, no filling. All fetch and no execute. All foam, no beer. All foliage, no fruit. All hammer, no nail. All hat and no cattle. All hawk and no spit. -- Molly Ivins talking about Ross Perot All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter. All his eggs in the same basket. All his learning curves look like Mount Everest. All icing, no cake. All lace curtains, no knickers. All lime and salt, no tequila. All missile, no warhead. All of his bytes are odd. All Preparation, no H. All shot, no powder. All show, no go. All signs and no scenery. -- John Taylor All the lights don't shine in her marquee. All the notes, none of the music. All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon. All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag. All thrust/mach, no vector. All wax and no wick. Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists. Already visualizing the duct tape over his mouth. Always in the right place, but at the wrong time. Always late... Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. Always needs to have jokes explained. Always responds to "Make Money Fast" postings on the Net. Always sharpening his sleeping skills. Always speaks her mind, so usually she's speechless. Amplifier turned all the way up but no one's playing / all I hear is white noise. An 8080 in a 68000 environment. An AA battery in a D-cell world. An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.) An Apple //e on UUCP. An early example of the Peter Principle. An ego like a black hole. An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut-sized brains. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. An expert on padded cells. An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese. An inch short and a stroke early. An innundated receptacle of primordial ooze. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. An XT clone in a Pentium zone. And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load. Ano-fossal ambiguity. (Can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.) Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped. Answers the door when the phone rings. Any connection between his reality and ours is purely coincidental. Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental. Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac Any smarter and he'd be retarded. Argues with herself -- and loses! As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot. As bent as a corkscrew. As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb. As dumb as an ox. As focused as a fart. As funny as a fire in a children's home. As handy as a whiskbroom and twice as intelligent. -- Peter DeVries As happy as if he had brains / was in his right mind. As happy as the village idiot. As popular as a French kiss at a family reunion. As popular as a pork pie at a Jewish wedding / synagogue. As queer/rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.) As quick as a corpse. As sensible as entering an ass-kicking contest with a porcupine. As sharp as a bag of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn As sharp as a donut / marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich / boiled weiner / pound of wet leather, and twice as smart. As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest. As smart as an automatic email responder script. As smart as bait. As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly. As strong as an ox and as dumb as two. As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.) As thick as two short planks / two half bricks. As useful as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English, vest = undershirt.) As useful as a brick lifevest. As useful as a carpet fitter's ladder. As useful as a cheese sandwich to a drowning ferret. As useful as a chocolate teapot / fireguard. As useful as a condom vending machine in the Vatican. -- Rimmer, Red Dwarf As useful as a football bat. As useful as a fur-lined walking stick. As useful as a glass hammer. As useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt. As useful as a kickstand on a horse. As useful as a lead parachute. As useful as a mint-flavored suppository. As useful as a spit valve on a guitar. As useful as a top hat with pockets. As useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle. As useful as an inflatable cheeseknife. As useful as bolognese sauce on shoe laces. As useful as bookends down a well. As useful as dinosaur repellent. As useful as green stop lights. As useful as passing gas in a spacesuit / boiler suit. As useful as piss on a forest fire. As useful as reverse gear on a lawn mower. As useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog / turtle. As welcome as a priest at a cub scout jamboree. As welcome as John Ashcroft at a NAMBLA convention. As welcome as Michael Jordan at a Hair Club for Men convention. As welcome as Saddam Hussein at a Dick Cheney roast. As welcome as Sara Brady at an NRA convention. As worn out as a cucumber in a convent. At least he has a positive attitude about his destructive habits. Attic's a little dusty. Back burners not fully operating. Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world. Bad spot on the disk. Baler done run out of twine. Bandwidth limited. Barney's his hero. Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone. Bats in the belfry. Batteries not included. Beamed down and back up one too many times. Been napping in front of the ion shield again. Been one too many times through the wormhole. Been playing with his wand too much. Been playing with the pharmacy section again. Been short on oxygen one time too many. Been using her head as a mass driver. Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner. Blew his O-rings. Blew the hatch before the lock sealed. Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head. Blown/leaking head gasket. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch. Born a day late and like that ever since. Born during low tide in / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool. Born too late -- he'd have been a great Neanderthal. Born ugly, and built to last. Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat. Brain as busy as a hog farmer in Israel/Iran/... Brain is running on empty. Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head. Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode. Brain transplant donor. Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint. Bright as Alaska in December. Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply. Brings a knife to a gunfight. -- Sean Connery, The Untouchables Brings binoculars to submarine races. Broadcasts static. Bubbles/leaks in her think tank. Buddy breathing with himself. (SCUBA term.) Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks. Busier than a one-armed paper hanger. Busier than a one-legged cat trying to cover its excreta on a frozen pond. Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. Caboose seems to be pulling the engine. Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet. Calling from a rotary phone. Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people. Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment. Calls people to ask them their phone number. Came out of his last mission smelling like a genius. Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff. Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist. Can easily be confused with facts. Can only remember her old passwords. Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick. Can't count his balls and get the same answer twice. Can't dial 911 because she can't find "11" on the phone. Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor. Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope/compass/map/ flashlight/bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet). Can't find his ass/butt with two hands and a periscope/compass/map/ flashlight/bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet). Can't find his couch in the living room. Can't find his dick in a dark room. Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator. Can't hold water in a bucket. (Can't keep a secret.) Can't program his way out of a for-loop. Can't tell his hole from an ass in the ground. Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat. Carrier wave unmodulated. Carries a tire gauge in her purse. Carrying an empty Easter basket. Cart can't hold all the groceries. Cauliflower for brains. Cerebrum vaccuoso. (Empty head.) Changes hands and picks up a stroke. Charming as a carbuncle. Cheats when filling out opinion polls. Cheezwiz for brains. Chimney's clogged. Clock doesn't have all its numbers. Closer to the edge than a bicycle on the autobahn. Cold / flat / dry as a witch's tit. Colder than a well-digger's ass in the Klondike. Collects cards for Craig. Colo-cranial compaction. Communications with him is limited to ping. Confused as a baby in a topless bar. Confused as a lesbian in a fishmongers. Conserves toilet paper by using both sides. Consumes hard drugs as vitamins. Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed. Contributes to the population problem. Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy. Could qualify as a houseplant if he learned to photosynthesize. Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped. Couldn't be shown that his ass was on fire with a flashlight and a three-way mirror. Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants. Couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag. Couldn't figure it out if God gave him the instruction manual. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. Couldn't find oil with a dipstick. Couldn't find two Saint Bernards if they were in the same telephone booth with him. Couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance. Couldn't get laid if he crawled up a chicken's rear end and waited his turn. Couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a sack of bananas. -- David Spade Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside. Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat. Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia; apparently there was a documented case where the wrong date was put on the invitations.) Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Couldn't run out of sight on a dark night / in a week. Couldn't scratch his ass with a hand full of fish hooks. Couldn't tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses. Couldn't think/pee/fight his way out of a paper bag. Couldn't walk on water at absolute zero. Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick. Coverage 90%; signal strength 10%. CPU doesn't pick up on all clock cycles. CPU is always in powersave mode. CPU not connected to the bus. Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.) Cranio-rectally inverted. Creates his swap file in a RAM disk. Cunning as a dodo bird. Cursor's flashing but there's no response. Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist. Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date. Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror. Defective hard drive / boot sector. Dense as a London fog / neutron star. Depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas. Differently clued. -- Dave Clark Dock doesn't quite reach the water. Does aerobics... in his head. Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock. Does the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe. (Three Stooges) Doesn't adjust for leap years. Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over. Doesn't have a brain, just a primitive nerve bundle. Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane. Doesn't have a round in every chamber. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag. Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter. Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat. Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks. Doesn't have his belt through all the loops. Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee. Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton. Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker. Doesn't have two neurons to rub together. Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much. Doesn't just wear perfume, she marinates in it. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls. Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on. Doesn't need to worry about excess knowledge. Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target. Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate. Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude. Doesn't suffer from stress, she's a carrier. Don't blame him, he's from Uranus. Don't know what his problem is, but it's hard to pronounce. Donated her body to science fiction. Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it. Downhill skiing in Iowa. Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage / street. Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage. Driving at night with the lights off. Driving down the road of life with his sun shield in place. Driving with his tailgate down (and stuff is falling out). Driving with two wheels in the sand / not all wheels on the pavement. Dropped his second stage too soon. Dropped on his head as a child. Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers. Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks / sled tracks. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. Ears are redirected to /dev/null. Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing. Echoes between the ears. Eight pawns short of a gambit. Eighth of seven. Either the good twin or the evil one, hard to say. Electroencephalographically challenged. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse / mezzanine. Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open. Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button. Elevator to the brain suite is out of order. Emails a one-line contribution to this list with a full copy of the list attached. End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock Enjoys listening to telemarketers. Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant. Even a two button mouse gives him too many options. Even in victory, he's a loser. Evidence for the theory of a missing link. Evolved from a toxic waste dump. Face like she's been in a plane crash. Failed the Turing test. Fell out of the family tree. Fifty-one cards short of a full deck. Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun. Finds a flat by swapping tires. Finds canonical humor collections amusing. Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging. Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span. Fired her retro-rockets a little late. First to admit he's a slow thinker -- actually, more like the seventy-first. -- Pratchett Five bullets in his six-shooter. Flaky. Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapult launch on an aircraft carrier.) Flying/landing on one engine. Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun. Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out. Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack. For those who never forget a face, his is an exception. Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them. Four bits short of a full DEC. Four bows short of a string quartet. Four cents short of a nickel. Fruit looking for a cake to happen. Full of wisdumb. Full throttle, dry tank. Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.) Gasoline engine, diesel fuel. Gates/barriers are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench. Gears grind/don't always mesh. Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences. Gets her mail at an unknown zip code. Gets his orders from another planet. Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section. Gets lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory. Gets parity errors under load. Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle. Goalie for the dart/javelin team. God might still use him for miracle practice. God's favorite target for lightning strikes. Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter. Good at quantum tunneling but not much else. Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it. Got help, but it didn't help. -- Bob Thaves Got his brains as a stocking stuffer. Got in touch with reality, but it was a bad connection. -- Bob Thaves Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. Got up on the wrong side of bed again this morning -- like always. Great helm needs some padding. Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference. Gyros are loose. Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves. Had a head crash / her server's crashed. Had his brain been constructed of silk, he would have been hard-pressed to find the material to make a canary a set of cami-knickers. -- P.G. Wodehouse Haggles wrong. (role-playing games) Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton. Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse. Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether. Has 100-meter talent, but is half a mile into the marathon of life. Has a bird's-eye view, and a brain to match. Has a bus fault problem. Has a divide-by-zero look on his face. Has a face only a mother could love -- but she hates it too. Has a few wait states. Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together. Has a hole in his bucket. Has a leak in his ceiling. Has a mind like a mousetrap, but should let some of those poor mice go. Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express. Has a personality all her own... No one else wanted it. -- Jim Davis Has a pulse, but that's about all. Has a random memory fault. Has a slow clock. Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".) Has a two-bit operating system. Has achieved inner peace, but still displays outer obnoxiousness. Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together. Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass. Has an hourglass figure, but most of the sand is on the p.m. side. -- Thaves Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one. Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt. Has been seen tossing bread crumbs to helicopters. Has change for a seven dollar bill. Has delusions of adequacy. Has FINO (first in never out) memory. Has her headquarters where her hindquarters should be. Has his brain on cruise control again. Has his solar panels aimed at the moon. Has it floored in neutral. Has lots of books, but all he does is lick the ink off the pages. Has no discretionary intellect. Has no upper stage. Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it. Has only one chopstick in the chowmein. Has over 1000 funny insults saved in a file, but can't remember any of them. Has plenty of talent and vision, just doesn't give a damn. Has resonance where others have brains. Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent". Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis. Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit. Has the brains of a house plant / turnip (cooked). Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut. Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / cantalope / three below houseplant. Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant. Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding. Has the mental agility of a soap dish. -- National Lampoon Has the personality of a snail on Valium. Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. Has uncorrected Y2K bugs. Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values. Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard. Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat. Hasn't got the brains of a retarded anvil/oyster. Hasn't got the full 2% difference (between primate and human DNA). Hasn't lost his mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited / dancing. Having a temporary stupid attack. (rejoinder: "just temporary?") He came, he saw, he clutched. HE CAN ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE. He can push but he can't pop. He could give stupid lessons to a brick/post. -- Mike Wilde He couldn't lead flies to a hog lot. He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant. He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. He fell out of the stupid/ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio. He has a good point... Six inches above his eyes. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. He has two left feet. He hasn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde He is a man of few words and he does not know what either of them mean. -- Prachett He is a mouth-breather. He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans. He went off to cry to mommie/auntie. He writes blank checks on a closed account. He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession. He'll eventually qualify as a Darwin Award winner. He's a General Protection Fault trigger. He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier. He's as soppy as a sack. (British) He's been invited to every party in town... Once. He's completely West Ham. (Two stops short of Barking on the London Underground.) He's diagnosable. He's in a federal witless protection program. He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing. He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost. He's really into himself... His head is up his ass. He's so dense, light bends around him. He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head. Hears everything that a dog can. Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards. Helmet's small. Her access time approaches infinity. Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas. Her ass is sucking swamp gas. Her blender doesn't go past "mix". Her body is rejecting her. Her brain cells are as hard to isolate as <your favorite politician's> concern for his/her electorate. Her brain cells are as hard to isolate as concern for his/her electorate. Her brain comes with single-bit error detection and half-assed error correction. Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain. Her brain is as useless as a mule's gonads. Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer. Her cache is incoherent. Her career is just taking off -- she's never at work. Her closet is full of hangars, but no clothing. Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes. Her dialing thumb must be broken. Her display is always flashing 12:00. Her driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass. Her face is a threat to clocks everywhere. Her files are compressed 100%. Her finals are burned out. Her friends took her aside, and left her there. -- Ron Richards Her gene pool could use a little chlorine / a good filter. Her head doesn't cast a shadow. Her head needs a periodic whack on the side. Her input pipe is broken. Her interrupt handler hit a loop. Her IQ is the reason they had to invent negative/imaginary numbers. Her kid is an honor student, but she's still an idiot. Her leads need resoldering. Her learning curve is fractal. Her life is a continuous series of senior moments / brain cramps. Her lint trap is full. Her lists are unlinked. Her memory is truly random-access. Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot. Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes. Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply. Her mind might have spontaneously combusted. Her mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it is gone. Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod. Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier. Her objects are not fully oriented. Her only hope for brainpower is vacuum point energy. Her personal problems can only be solved using high explosives. Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk. Her pool balls don't fit into the rack. Her positronic matrix won't reboot. Her purpose in life is to balance out the bell curve. Her random access is the same as her sequential access. Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now. Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill. Her stack has been corrupted. Her synapses are about |that| far apart. Her system file has zero bytes. Her tires are a little low. Her walls don't go all the way to the ceiling. Her wheels are turning but she's upside down. -- U2 Her wipers don't touch the glass. Her word length is zero bits. Hid behind the door when they passed out brains. High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog. His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / is still spinning up. His accumulator overflows at zero. His actual mileage varies. His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations. His boot block is in a bad sector. His boot ROM has a bad checksum. His brackets are mismatched. His brain could be the perfect dielectric. His brain is sueing for neglect. His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock. His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel. His bread ain't done. His buffer is full. His carpet doesn't reach from wall to wall. His clock's ticking but it's not telling time. His clutch is slipping. His data bus stops for red lights. His deck has no face cards. His elevator is stuck between floors. His face is on a coin... On the edge. His family tree is a telephone pole. His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived. His feedback loop is open. His freelist is empty. His future is behind schedule. -- Bob Thaves His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct. His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams His grades were so bad, after school he couldn't even get into prison. -- Shannon Sharpe His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter. His head whistles in a cross wind. His home page is out of order. His home planet is flat. His IQ test results were negative / IQ is a false positive. His jack can't get the car off the ground. His military nomenclature is ID-10-T (idiot). His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency. His mind is great at error magnification. His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes. His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. -- Allision His mind is write-protected/write-only. His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit. His mind wandered and he went along for the ride / never came back. His motto is: Space, the final frontier. His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain. His only hope for sexual variety is vegetables / to change hands. His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine." His page was intentionally left blank. His picture is in the dictionary under "zero". His pointers are null/uninitialized. His puzzle is missing a few pieces. His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves His root file system isn't mounted. His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position. His shared libraries aren't installed. His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon. His signature is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings. His spark can't jump the gap. His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth. His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack. His strings aren't null-terminated. His strip is demagnetized. His system administrator is never in. His train tracks aren't quite parallel. His URL denies outside access. His warp core is offline. His watch dog is sleeping. His Wheaties have been in the milk too long. His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts. His wits have left the rails and are careening about the countryside. His X, Y, and Z axes don't meet at the origin. Hitler's evil twin. Holds a grudge until it dies of old age, then has it stuffed and mounted. -- David Weber Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net. Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken. I like him; he reminds me of when I was young and stupid. I would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire. I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth. I've worn dresses with higher IQs than his. If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage. If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough for an M&M. If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears. If brains were farts, he couldn't stink up the inside of a matchbox. If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit loop. If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup. If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan. If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea. If dumb were dirt, he'd be an acre. If fashion law is ever enforced, he'll be found guilty without hope of parole. If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week. If he didn't exist, he wouldn't be worth inventing. If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years. If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true. If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize. If he had another brain (cell), it would be lonely. If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them. If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns. If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided. If he were an Indian, Custer would be alive today / would have died of old age. If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards. If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy. If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt. If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock. If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic. If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously. If men were dominoes, he would be the double-blank. -- P.G. Wodehouse If not for his scrotum, he would lose his balls. If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn't blow the cobwebs off his balls. If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0. If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant. If stupidity hurt, he'd go through life on a morphine drip. If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list. If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked. If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now. If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain. If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room. If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable. If wit were shit, he'd be constipated. If you called him a wit, you'd be half right. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. Ignorant, and proud of it. Immune from any serious head injury. Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants. Immune to illusions. (role-playing games) In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size. In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms. In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks". In line for brains, thought they said trains, and asked for one with lots of steam / said his dad just bought him one. In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick." In need of a ROM upgrade. In serious need of attitude adjustment. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most. In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store. In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us. Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns. Infinite space between her ears. Informationally deprived. Inhabits her own private timezone. Inspected by #13. Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." Intellect devourer attacked him and left starving. (role-playing games) Intellectually/synaptically challenged. Intelligence somewhere between a pet rock and egg white. Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end. Invented a submarine with a screen door. IOUs in his/her marble bag. IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age. IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut. It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm. Just another flash in the bedpan. Just asleep, but others worry that he's dead. Keeps her brain in mint condition. Keeps his imagination on a long leash. Kept an open mind -- and his brains fell out. Keywords: generalizations clue get Knitting with only one needle. Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence. Landed with his gear/brain up and locked. Leaky sunroof. Left hand threaded. Left his booster on the launch pad. Left the store without all of his groceries. Leveled off before reaching altitude. Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King. Lightbulb over his head is burned out. Lights / porch lights are on but nobody's home. Lights not burning too bright. Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top. Like a loose-leaf folder in winter. Like a one-armed man climbing a rope. Like school in the summertime... No class. Likes dunking for french fries / looks like he's been bobbing for french fries. Likes to execute his data. Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track. Lives in La-la-land. Lives in the same world, but a different universe. Lives just up the street from the corner of Walk and Don't Walk. Living proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity. Living proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Living proof that God did die back in the 60s. Living proof that God has a sense of humor. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. Living proof that there's ALWAYS someone worse off than you. Long on drywall, short on studs. Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room. Looks for the "Any" key. Looks just like Bill Gates. Looks like he was just dug up. Loose chip on the microprocessor board. Loose wire to his headset/ringer. Lost his marbles / shields. Lots of silverware on his table, but no plates. Loves a good insult, but can never remember any. Low on thinking gas. Low-bandwidth as an information source. Luckily these types kill themselves before reproducing... Think of it as evolution in action. -- Larry Niven Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps. Made a career out of mid-life crisis. Mainspring's wound too tight. Makes a black hole look bright. Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good. Meandering to a different drummer. Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written. Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test. Mentally qualified for handicapped parking. Metronome needs oil. Might look like he's doing nothing, but at the cellular level he's really quite busy. Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind. Mind like a steel sieve. Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut / someday it will snap shut and swallow his face. Missed her last four scheduled tune-ups. Missed the last train to Clue Junction. -- Rev Billy Wirtz Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles. Missing a layer of insulation in his attic. Missing a stat. (role-playing games) Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland. Mooring lines don't reach the dock. More armpits than brain cells. More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral. Moves his lips to pretend he's reading. Must have ignored a knock-down pitch. Nearly lives up to her full potential as a dumb blond. Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass. Needed a tutor to learn how to scribble. Needs a checkup from the neck up. Needs a little remedial evolution. Needs a stepladder to pick his nose. Needs an operating manual for a screwdriver. Needs another brain to make half-wit. Needs both hands to wipe his behind. Needs front end alignment. Needs his disk checked/reformatted. Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back. Neither left-brained nor right-brained. -- Bob Thaves Nervous as a long-tailed bobcat in a room full of rocking chairs. Network constantly loses packets. Neurons are firing non-sequentially. Never finishes a thoug Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum. Never misses an episode of her screensaver. Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson Nice color but not enough wattage. Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there. Nine pence in the shilling / not quite the full schilling. Nine pence in the shilling. Nine rooms; no furniture. Nineteen cents short of a paradigm. No bubble in his gauge. (Refers to a submarine dive gauge.) No charge in her synapses. No coins in the old fountain. No filter in the coffeemaker. No grain in the silo. No hands on the rudder/yoke. No hay in the loft. No one at the throttle. No ROM basic. No salt in his socks. (Land-lubber or green sailor.) No tar in his hemp. (Tar preserves a hemp (marijuana) line; this phrase means one has been smoking his rope.) No wind in her mind's windmills. Not all his dogs are barking. Not an idiot, but plays one in his life. Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible. Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us. Not done evolving yet. Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective. Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter. Not enough bullets for Russian Roulette. Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen. Not enough sense to come in out of the rain. Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.) Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders. Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight. Not hard-docked. Not inflated to 90 PSI / head is stamped "inflate to 40 PSI". Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.) Not just off-base -- he's out of the stadium. Not much to show for four billion years of evolution. Not only rude, but ugly too. Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game). Not ready for prime time. Not running on full thrusters. Not shooting pool on a level table. Not so much of a has-been, as a won't-be. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / chandelier / light in the harbor / crayon in the box. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor / crayon in the box. Not the freshest egg in the carton. Not the full quid. Not the hottest burner on the stovetop. Not the same since they took him off his medication. Not the sharpest knife/spoon in the drawer / tool in the shed / nail in the box / quill on the porcupine / pencil in the box / suit in the wardrobe. Not the shiniest penny in the jar. Not Turing equivalent. Not wired to code. Not within a bull's roar. (A term used by lawn bowlers.) Not worth henshit on a pump handle. Not worth pissin' on. Not wrapped too tight. Nothing between the stethoscopes. Nothing on her radar. Numb as a post / pounded thumb. Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.) Nutty as a fruitcake. Of all the things he's lost, he misses his mind the most. Off by one. Off his rocker/trolley. Oil doesn't reach his dipstick. On permanent/unexcused leave of absence from his senses. On the batting end of a no-hitter. One anna short of a rupee. One bead short in her rosary. One bean short of chili. One bean shy of full strength. One beer short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case. One bird short of a flock. One bit short of a byte/word. One blade short of a sharp edge. -- Nanci Griffith One block short of a filesystem. One board short of a porch. One bomb/melon short of a full load. One boot stuck in the sand. One bottom short of a bucket. One Brady short of a Bunch. One brick short of a wall/hod/load/pile. One brownie short of a full pan. One bumper/rail short of a bank shot. One bun/donut short of a dozen. One byte short of a checksum. One byte short of a full 256K SIMM. One car short of a chase scene. One card/marble short of a full deck. One chapter short of a novel. One chicken short of a henhouse. One chip short of a cookie / megabyte / puddy (Liverpudlian). One citation short of a footnote. One clearance short of landing/take off. One clown short of a circus. One clue short of a solution. One cold solder joint. One color short of a full deck. (A half-wit.) One color short of color-coordinated. One couplet short of a sonnet. One course short of a degree. (As in: "I've got a degree in home economics, but I was only one course short of a degree in advanced nuclear physics.") One crayon short of a full box. One crouton short of a salad. One cup and saucer short of a place setting. One cylinder short of a full re-format. One dial short of a control panel. One diamond short of a ring. One dilithium crystal short of warp power. One dimension short of reality. One doughnut short of being a cop. One drool bib short of neat and tidy. One drop short of an empty bladder. One ear short of a bushel. One electron shy of a full shell / noble gas arrangement. One expert short of an antitrust suit. One feather short of a boa / whole duck / pillow. One feather short of a boa / whole duck. One fish short of a string. One floor below the poopdeck. One flower short of an arrangement. One flying buttress short of a cathedral. One foot in the future, one foot in the past, pissing on the present. One french fry / hamburger short of a Happy Meal. One Froot Loop (sic) short of a full bowl. One fruit short of a basket. One gene short of a full chromosome. One goose short of a gaggle. One grape short of a bunch. One gunman shy of a posse. One guppy short of an aquarium. One handle short of a suitcase. One harmonic short of a tubular bell. One hot pepper short of an enchilada. One inch short of a foot/yard. One inspection short of passing. One kangaroo/sheep short in her top paddock. One kernel short of an ear. One key short of a piano. One kopek short of a ruble. One level short of a dungeon. (role-playing games) One link short of a chain. One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey. One marshmallow short of a s'more. One measure short of a staff. One miracle short of being where he thinks he's at. One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him. One monkey short of a full hundred. One node short of a network. One nut short of a full pouch. One of the early failures of electroshock therapy. One open splice. One orc short of a war party. (role-playing games) One pancake short of a stack. One pane short of a window. One pea short of a pod/casserole. One peak short of a chromatogram. One pearl short of a necklace. One pickle short of a jar. One pie short of a holiday. One pixel short of a full image. One plane short of an Air Force / hangar. One planet short of a federation. One player short of a solo game. (role-playing games) One point short of a polygon. One potato chip short of a full bag. One prayer short of absolution. One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.) One punch/swing/hit short of a fight. One quark short of a hadron. One republic short of an empire. One revision behind. One round short of a full clip. One sandwich/apple/ant/pork pie short of a picnic. One saucer short of a tea-service. One scallop short of a seafood platter. One screw loose. One screw shy of a final assembly. One sentence short of a paragraph. One shade short of a rainbow. One sheep short of a sweater. One shingle short of a roof, and the water's getting in. One ship short of a full fleet. One shot short of a chain. (Shot is a section of anchor chain.) One shot short of a locker. (Shot is ammunition; a locker is where it's stored.) One shrimp/prawn/snag (sausage) short of a barbie. One shrimp/snag (sausage) short of a barbie. One side short of a pentagon. One signature short of a book. One slate short of a full roof. One sleeve/button short of a shirt. One snowflake short of a ski slope. One sock short of a pair. One song short of a musical. One span short of a bridge. One spoon short of a full set. One steering wheel / bolt short of a Yugo. One step short of the attic. One stick short of a bundle. One straw short of a bale. One strawberry short of a quart. One strike past being called out. One sub short of a party platter. One sultana short of a complete fruitcake. One taco/enchilada/chalupa short of a combination/Mexican plate. One teabag short of a pot. One tilde short of a full URL. One tile missing from his space shuttle. One tile short of a successful re-entry. One too many lights out in his Christmas tree. One too many rides on the Zipper. One tower short of a castle. One tree short of a hammock. One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.) One volt below threshold. One weight short of a shipwreck. One weight/wave short of a shipwreck. One word short of a. One yard short of the hole. Only occasionally wets himself under pressure. Only one beater in the bowl. Only one oar in the water. Only opens his mouth to change feet. Only playing with 51 cards. Only playing with the jokers. Operating in stand-by mode. Organizationally impaired. Ought to have a warning label on his forehead. Out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. Out there where the buses don't run. Outlet isn't grounded. Over the rainbow. Overdue for reincarnation. Overruns above 110 baud. Paged/swapped out. Parallel mind, serial world. Parallel world, serial mind. Paralyzed from the neck up. Parents beat him with an ugly stick. Parked his head and forgot where he left it. Past her expiration date. Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere. People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy. Perfect chassis, bad driver. Perfect face for Halloween. Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh...) Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists. Permanently out to lunch. Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us. Phototrophic on a better day. Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground. Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces. Playing baseball with a rubber bat. Playing hockey with a warped puck. Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building. Plays pinochle with a poker deck. Plays solitaire... For cash. Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging. Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons. Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap. Posts empty articles to the Net, and enjoys rereading them later. Prefers three left turns to one right turn. Presses "*" to hang up and then hangs up, instead of just hanging up. Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere. Pretty as 20 miles of bad road. Produces a zero-length core dump. Programmed into an infinite loop. Proud of his lawn mower. Psycho pneumatic. (Crazy air head.) Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope. Put on Earth to be an oxygen converter. Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying. Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway. Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea/BB on a six lane highway. Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle. Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third. Radio's playing but nobody's listening. Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk. Reads a file devoted to humorous put-downs of stupid people and gets offended because it contains derogatory material. Reads her newspaper back-to-front. Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek. Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton. Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society. Receiver is off the hook. Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go. Remembered to take her stupid pill again this morning. Renewable energy source for hot air balloons. Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy. Requires retraining after every coffee break. Reset line is glitching. Result of a first cousin marriage. Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain. Room for rent, unfurnished. Routinely outsmarted by cheese. Roving target for a surface-to-idiot missile. RS232C brain with a DIN connector. Running at 300 baud. Running lights are on but no one's at the helm. Running on a 286. Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.) Running U.S. appliances on British current. Runs squares around the competition. Rusty springs in the mousetrap. S p a c e d o u t . S p a c e d o u t . Sailboat fuel for brains. Sailing with a short seabag / a few skivvies short of a seabag. (Contains all of a sailor's possessions including underwear.) Sat under the ozone hole too long. Says profound things but no one listens and no harm is done. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong. Serving donuts on another planet. Settled some during shipping and handling. Seven cans short of a six-pack. Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way. Several nuts over fruitcake minimum. Sex with her is nearly as exciting as flossing your teeth. Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest. She believes the three great lies. She can piss standing up, but not much else. She doesn't suffer from insanity; she enjoys every minute of it. She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about. -- Thaves She has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. She looks virtually real today. She only packed half a sandwich. She only schedules zombie processes. She put the ding in dingbat. She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. -- Dorothy Parker She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails them. She sounds reasonable... Must be time to up my medication. She stopped to think and forgot to start again. She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem. She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes. She'll be just fine as soon as virtual reality arrives. She's a screensaver. (Looks good, but useless.) She's all thumbs. She's as daft as a brush. (British) She's running on impulse engines. She's running real fast, but toward the wrong goal line. Shedding a little too much black light. Shootin' blanks. Short a few cards. Short-circuited between the earphones. Should be the poster child for family planning. Should drive directly to the clue warehouse. (said of a poor driver) Should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better. Should have kept his helmet on while riding/playing. Should've been a shopkeeper. (role-playing games) Shouldn't be allowed to breed. Shouldn't eat nuts -- for her, it's practically cannibalism. Signs of his intelligence are as rare as rocking-horse dung. Single-sided, low density. Sings along with elevator music. Sinking with a deck full of people; her brain cells can't find the lifeboats. Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church. Six-packed seven times. (Volleyball slang: "Six-pack" is to spike someone in the head with a volleyball.) Skating on the wrong side of the ice. Skylight leaks a little. Slept too close to his radium-dial watch. Slinky's kinked. Sloppy as a soup sandwich. Slow as molasses in January. Slow learner. Slow out of the gate. Slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Smarter than the average bear. Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney. Snags a copy of this list to their own website without attribution and then allows it to grow stale. (For a good time search the web for recognizable text from this list...) So boring, his dreams have Muzak. So clueless, he could BE God and still be an atheist. So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight. So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him. So dumb, he faxes face up. So dumb, he puts postage stamps on outgoing faxes. So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks. So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal. So fat, he can't even jump to a conclusion. So fat, he's on BOTH sides of the family. So fat, his belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters. So fat, his blood type is Ragu. So fat, his driver's license says, "picture continued on other side." So fat, his high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph. So fat, I had to take a train and two buses just to get on his good side. So fat, people jog around him for exercise. So fat, people jump over him rather than go around. So fat, she could sell shade. So fat, she gets runs in her jeans. So fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. So fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. So fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. So fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. So fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. So fat, when he gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. So fat, when he goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate. So fat, when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts. So fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton. So fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party. So fat, when she was diagnosed with flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 13 years to live. So fat, when she was walking down the street and I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas. So mean, he got disqualified from the human race for shoving. So slow, he has to speed up to stop. So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress. So stupid, he tries to drown fish. So stupid, mind readers charge her half price. So stupid, she doesn't go further than Thursday. So thick, he sticks to pasta. So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear. Sold his car for gas money. Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards. Some Assembly Required. Some bugs in his software. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. Some of her inodes have nodded off. Some pages missing. Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue. Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check. Someday when she's younger, she'll ________. Someone blew out his pilot light. Someone else is doing the driving for that boy. Someone forgot to plant the seed for his brain stem. Someone let the air out of her lock. Someone Reverend Spooner would have identified as a shining wit. Sort of like an inverse Einstein. Source code is missing a few lines. Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English. Special education graduate. Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation. Stares at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate". Still boots to DOS. Still cutting with rounded scissors. Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring. Still struggling up the evolutionary ladder. Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi". Still trying to figure out opposable thumbs. Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.) Strolling through life with one shoelace untied. Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.) Stuck on the down escalator of life. Studied for a blood test -- and failed. Stumped by anything child-proof. Subtle as a well-thrown brick. Subtle as a wet tongue in the ear / kiss from a cow. Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder. Suffers from excessive headspace. Suffers from link rot. (The process by which hypertext links become obsolete as their sites change or die.) Suffers from Paralysis by Analysis. Suffers from permanent rapture of the deep. (Nitrogen narcosis.) Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay. Surfing in Nebraska. Surfing the Web with a hard-copy terminal. (Does anyone remember those?) Suspend switch is jumpered. Swimming on a cold shot. (Inadequate ejection force for a torpedo.) Switch is on, but no one's receiving. T minus dumb and counting. Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes". Takes her an hour to cook minute rice. Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it. Talking with her is a career-limiting move. Talking with him is a waste of good bandwidth. Talks to plants on their own level. Tall as a post and just as smart. Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own. Technically sound, but socially impossible. Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin Ten to the dozen. The aliens forget to remove his anal probe. The bark on her family tree actually involves canines. The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason The butter slipped off his noodle / pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty. The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed. The fan is working but the freon's leaked out. The fire is going well, but the flue is closed. The going got weird, and he turned pro. The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot. The march of his intellect is like that of a crab, backward. -- Peacock The most rock-hard argument can crash through his airy head and cause only the slightest disturbance in the air currents that surround the void that comprises his knowledge. The only place she's ever invited is outside. The perfect personality to write software manuals. The recesses of his mind are always in recess. The result of years of careful inbreeding. The sharpest thing he's allowed to play with is a red rubber ball. The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps. The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again. The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears. The two put together have an IQ over 150. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's/gerbil's dead. The world's foremost collector of ignorance. Their family tree is a tumbleweed. There are great people in the world, but she's not one of them. There she sits, Finite State Automation at its best. There's biscuits on the griddle but the stove ain't on. There's intelligent life on his planet, but he isn't it. There's no ice cubes in THAT tray. -- Second City comedy troupe There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade. They must have done a clean boot on him. They never shut up on his planet. Thick as a brick / whale omelette. Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly. Thicker than a hockey sock full of hammer handles. Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship. Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure. Thinks at 5 baud. Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms. Thinks Cheerios are doughnut seeds. Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star. Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not. thinks in lower case & types accordingly Thinks in one-syllable words. Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch. Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes. Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease. Thinks Taco Bell is where you pay for your phone calls to Mexico. Thinks with a niceness of 20. (Low UNIX process priority.) Thirteen short of a dozen. Three sigma off the norm. Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.) Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting. (I resemble that remark. -- editor) Tight / waterproof as a fish's sphincter. Tight as a bull's arse in fly season. To make him laugh on Saturday, tell him a joke on Wednesday. Tone arm is down but no music is playing. Too dumb to be bothered when publicly displaying her ignorance. Too dumb to know when you're getting smart / playing dumb with him. Too many bad drugs, not enough good drugs. Too many birds on her antenna. Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck. Too many stop bits in his transmissions. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Too pointless to even be called a pinhead. Too slow to catch a cold. Too tall for his blood supply. Took a spacewalk in the asteroid belt without his helmet. Top paddock is full of rocks. Tough as toenails after a hot bath. Toys in the attic. Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station / has no caboose. Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind. Traveling without a passport/towel. Tried to reinvent the wheel but ended up with a flat tire. Tried welding two 2x4s together and burned down his house. Tries to forward this list to some friends, but instead ships six copies of it to the editor (groan). Trips over cordless phones. Truck can't haul a full load. Truly believes "neural network" is a new Ted Turner enterprise. Trying out for the javelin retrieval team. Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna. Two bits short of a word/dollar. Two degrees off square. Two inches taller than spherical. Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in. Uglier than a hat full of assholes. (Whatever that means.) Ugly as a warthog and half as smart. Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart. Understands English as well as any parrot. Used to be utterly clueless, but turned that around 360 degrees. Used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Uses all three functional neurons for his best work. Uses AOL. Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs. Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck. Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator. Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks. Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks. Vacancy on the top floor / at the Gray Matter Motel. Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting. (Not picking up anything.) Vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with the problem. Validates my inherent mistrust of strangers. Vegitatum davenportae. (Couch potato.) Vertically-fornicated mind. Views mold as a higher life form. Vowel-buyer. (As on the TV show Wheel of Fortune, when the solution is already obvious.) Waiting on a toaster that's not plugged in. Warning: Objects in her mirror are dumber than they appear. Warranty expired. Was assimilated by the Borg. Was born an acrobat but landed on his head. Was born when the planets were misaligned. Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts. Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been. Wasn't fully debugged before being released. Wasn't strapped in during launch. Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary. Watching programs not listed in TV Guide. We're all missing cards from our decks -- and different cards, too. We're all refreshed and challenged by her unique point of view. Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench. Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled. Whatever kind of look she was going for, she missed. When a thought crosses her mind, it's a long and lonely journey. When God baked his biscuits, He left out the yeast. When God said, "Come forth for brains," he came fifth. When he collects his thoughts, they fit in a very small container. -- Bob Thaves When he was compiled they forgot to #include / / . When he was compiled they forgot to #include <smarts.h> / <iq.h> / <charm.h>. When her window of opportunity opened, she had the shade drawn. When opportunity knocked, she refused to open the door. When she dances, she makes the band skip. When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. When she puts on her lipstick, it keeps backing down the tube. -- Kevin Wilson When she was born the doctor tried to kill her / slapped her mother. When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick / was at the end of the line. When they said "drain", he thought they said "brain". Where it says, "Sign here", she writes, "Pisces". While he was not dumber than an ox, he wasn't any smarter. -- Thurber Whizzes on his shoes and thinks it's raining. Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'. Will never get a ticket for speeding. Wise as the world is flat. With one more neuron he'd have a synapse. Won't eat eggs because he believes the "This is your brain" ads. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook. Would need help to drool. Would starve to death in a grocery store. Wouldn't know a tram was up him if the conductor rang his bell. (Australian) Wouldn't know ore if it jumped out of the stope and bit him on the ass. (Said of mineral prospectors.) Wouldn't make any sense if she ever made sense. Wouldn't recognize a clue if he saw one / you showed him one (labelled "clue"). Wouldn't shout if a shark bit him. (Australianism meaning he won't buy a round of drinks (shout) in turn.) You can hardly tell that he's a simulation. Zero K memory. TILBAGE