TILBAGE A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the some comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why does it have three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......" ***** On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this." ***** This guy walks up to a vendor selling hunting supplies at a flea market in Alabama and notices a beautiful rifle scope for sale. So this guy asks the vendor "Boy, ya' sure are askin' a lot for that there scope. How do I know its any good?" To this the vendor responds, "Well, I'll prove to ya' that that there scope is worth every penny. You see that house up there on the hill?" At which time the vendor pointed to a house on a fairly distant hill, "that there is my house. I bet you that you can see right through that front window and into my living room with that scope." The vendor hands the guy the scope and he aims it at the house and peers through. "Hey," he exclaims, "there's a coupla' nakid people up thar' dancin' 'roun'!" "WHAT!" screams the vendor. He grabs the scope and takes a look for himse. "Well I'll be a roasted pig on a spit, that's my wife and my damn neighbor! I'll tell you what," the vendor says as he attaches the scope to a high powered rifle. "I'll give you two bullets. If you can hit my wife in the head and my neighbor in the genitals, I'll GIVE you the consarn'd scope!" So the guy grabs the rifle, aims up at the distant window and says, "Um...... ya' know what...? I'm only gonna need one bullet. ***** 3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!" ***** A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." ***** Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who in the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and began. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightening strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then, " says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves." ***** CHRISTMAS PARTY At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet they went through his wallet and found his Lotto ticket. Then they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out (you can guess that he had picked the lot - including the supplementary!), and left the numbers on the table. The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away. After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket, and checked the numbers again very carefully. Then he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room: "I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cos I've just won a fucking shit-load of money, and I'm leaving...!" End of job. End of marriage. End of story. ***** A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?" "Well, doc, I live in a trailer park, and from where I live, I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and she's built like a brick house. She's so horny that every night, I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog." "And?" prompted the doctor. "Well," said the man, "I felt this was a waste, so one day I got under her trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. "It was a great idea and everything was going real good, too. Then someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove!" ***** A guy walks into a pub in Dublin, goes up to the bar and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes his 3 pints and finds a table in the corner all by himself. He then proceeds to take a sip out of each pint, continuing to drink the beer like this until all 3 are finished. He then walks up to the bar and orders 3 more beers, the barman looks at him strangely and tells him that the pints will be more enjoyable and fresher if he drinks them one at a time. The gentlemen thanks the bartender for the advice, but explains that there is a reason he drinks like this. He tells the barman that he has two brothers, one lives in Australia, one lives in Canada, and every week they all go to a bar in their country order 3 pints, and this is how they share a "long distance" drink together. The barman thinks about this, and says "Fair Enough", and pours the man 3 more pints. So for the next couple of months the man continues to come into this pub once a week, and have his "long distance" drink with his brothers. One day he walks in and goes up to the bar and orders two pints, takes his usual seat and goes about drinking the two beers. He then goes up to the bar and orders two more. The barman pours the pints. He then gives the man his condolences for the lose of his brother. The man looks quizzically at the bartender, then smiles. He says, "Oh, you've got it wrong, both my brothers are just fine", he then goes on to explain - "I just quit drinking!". ***** Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand.. "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids." ***** Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" He says "I'm off, this is a bad trip man, I keep thinking I'm a fucking mouse at a bar" ***** A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police." ***** I took the day off of work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to shoot when I heard, "Ribbit, 9 Iron." I looked around and don't see anyone so I tried again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put my original club away, and grabbed a 9 iron. Boom! I made a birdie. I was shocked. I said to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog's reply "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" I asked. "Ribbit 3 wood," was the reply. I took out a 3 wood and Boom--Hole in one. I was befuddled and didn't know what to say. By the end of the day, I shot the best round of golf in my life and asked the frog, "Ok, where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit, Las Vegas". We went to Las Vegas and I said, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table I asked, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win, but, after the luck I had playing golf, I figured "What the heck!" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. I took my winnings and rented the best room in the hotel. I sat the frog down and said, "Frog,I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replied, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". I figured whynot, since after all the frog did for me he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world. "And that, your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." ***** Stranger walks into a pub and sits at the bar, just close enough to overhear two Irishmen's conversation: "So where are you from?" says one to the other. "Cork," says the second. "Corkl!" says the first. "So am I!" "So where did you go to school?" says the first one. "I went to a little place called Finley's grammar." "Finley's Grammar! I as well!" "Say," says the second, "who was your favorite teacher?" "Well that would have to be Mrs. Finnigan." "But, of course! Mine too!" "Well, now," says the second. "What have you been up to since School?" "I'm in business with me Da. We've a fish a business." "A Fish business!" Says the first. "In faith? So have we!" In a moment, the two of them go off to relieve themselves and the stranger at the end of the bar asks the bartender, "What's up with those guys?" "Ah," says the bartender, "pay them no mind. They're the McGory twins. They're drunk again." ***** First grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?" Alice says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." Alice does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie, too. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie." ***** One day, a 4th grader came home from school and asks his father. "Dad, everyone in class can count to 100, but I can only count to 10. How come?" His father says, "Well son, that's because you're from West Virginia." The next day, the 4th grader came home from school and says. "Dad, today everyone in class recited the entire alphabet. I only know up to the letter 'L.' How come?" Again, his father replies, "Well, that's because you're from West Virginia." Then one day, the 4th grader came home and was all excited, wearing a smile from ear to ear. He says, "Dad! Dad! Today, we were in gym class, and all the boys had little penises, but mine was huge! Is that 'cause I'm from West Virginia??" His father replies, "No son, that's because you're 28 years old." ***** A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?" ***** There was a farmer who was very protective of his daughters. Before every date, he would meet the young man at the porch with his shotgun, and if he didn't measure up, he'd make sure they left. One day all three of his daughters were going out on the same night. The first young man drove up and approached the porch. "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer liked this guy, and let him leave with his daughter. Shortly, the next guy drove up and approached the porch. "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer liked this guy too, and let him leave with his second daughter. Soon the third guy drove up and approached the porch. "Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him. ***** There were a group of archeologists who dug up a line of hieroglyphics that were, from left to right: a dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. After years of study they came up with an explanation. They believed that this was a very wise group of people. First, thy knew man had to have company, hence the dog. Next, they knew that they needed animals to help with work, so the donkey. The shovel was there because of their advanced knowlege of tools. Next, they knew that they had to eat, and that fish were the best source of food. Finally, they were a religious group and knew man had to have religion. After the explanation, a man jumped up and said, "You fools, Hebrew read from right to left! It says 'holy mackerel, dig the ass on that bitch!'" ***** A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the Wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people. So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress". "Now take off my bra." "Next remove my shoes and stockings." "Now remove my garter belt and panties" She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired". ***** A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!" "Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach." ***** Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi..... Damn! There goes another one!" ***** Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed, "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!" ***** Two Polish pilots try to land an airplane in the states. They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot scream to the other pilot : "Get the airplane up, the runaway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again... During their fourth descent the pilot says : "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway...", "I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it...." ***** Two Polacks were driving to the east coast via the southern route. When they got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" so when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out, and started cleaning the restrooms! As they traveled the south they found it difficult to make any real progress as there were many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way. When they finally arrived in Alabama they came across a sign that read "Wanted, two Mexican males for rape", the two Polacks looked at each other and thought, "Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!" ***** An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens forhimself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........ "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month." ***** A farmer was having problems with his cows not getting pregnant from his bull. So he hires a stud service to get his cows pregnant. Later that day a truck pulls up with stud service wrote on the door, And the farmer asks the young man wear's your bull. The young man replies "I don't need no bull" He then walks over to a cow and puts his hand in the cows pussy and rubs it around. Then he walks over to the bull and smacks his hand right on the bull's nose and rubs it all around. The bull gets all excited and runs over and mounts a cow. The farmer was amassed, paid and thanked the man for a job well done. Later that night when the farmer and his wife were laying in bed. The farmer wondered if that would work for him. It had been a long time since his wife and him had done anything. So the farmer slide his hand over to his wife, rubbed her pussy for a bit. Then he rubbed his hand on his nose while sniffing his hand. He noticed that his penis was getting a little hard, so he decided to try it again. Again his penis got a little bit harder. So he thought one more time and it should be hard enough to have sex. And he was right, So he rolled over saying "betty look at this" His wife woke up turned the light on and said "you woke me up to show me you had a bloody nose." ***** Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!" ***** A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie. "Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!" "But I'm not pregnant," the brunette indignantly exclaimed. "You're not rescued yet either." ***** A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied. ***** A guy was tired of living in a two-storey building. One story was "I have a headache" and the other was "I'm tired". ***** The Druggist Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. "Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness ... I told her!" ***** Just Among Us Girls ------------------- Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long." The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long." "Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!" ***** A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds." ***** Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend Marie out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me on my rubyred lips!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things begin to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously: "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Our hero stands up defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!" "...and when I go down, I go down in flames!" ***** Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, as the whole place is getting freshed up. And the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits!", says the blind man, "where do you want these blinds"? ***** One day a grumpy old man was taking care of his grandson when he decided to have a nice cold beer. When the child saw this he asked "Grandpa, can I have some?" and the Grandpa replied, "Does your dick reach your ass?" "No," said the child. "Then you can't have any beer!" Later on the Grandpa decides to have a cigar and once again the child asks him if he can smoke one too. Grandpa replies, "Does you dick reach your ass?" Once again the child says "no" so the Grandpa told him he couldn't have any. A few hours later the child comes in with two ice creams one in each hand and the Grandpa asks him: "Can I have an ice cream?" and the child asks him, "Does your dick reach your ass?" Grandpa feeling confident replies, "YES!" and the child tells him: "Then go fuck yourself!" ***** Monday, two boys were in court after doing their community service for vandalism charges The judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor." "I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison and (pointing to the large circle) this is your asshole after prison. ***** A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap,so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. ***** An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "Your're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "you're in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, 'And you're in charge of supplies. "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him." So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him." The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES! ***** There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: a.. 2 Italian men & 1 Italian woman b.. 2 French men & 1 French woman c.. 2 German men and 1 German woman d.. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman e.. 2 English men and 1 English woman f.. 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman g.. 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman h.. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere: One Italian man has killed the other for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily in a "menage a trois." The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping together and the woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are still waiting to be introduced to the English woman. The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean and one look at the woman and started swimming. The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and on the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low. The Irish began by dividing the island Northside/Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember that sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky, but at least they know that the English aren't getting any... ***** Three cowboys, one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins........ The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands." The guy from Arkansas can't stand to be outdone. "Why I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today" The Texan just sat there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. ***** Why are some married women a bit heavier than single ones? The single woman comes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. The married one comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge. ***** One day, the pig farmer went to the veterinarian and asked "Why can't I get my pigs to reproduce?" The vet replied,"Well, if nature isn't taking care of itself, you're going to have to artificially inseminate them." The farmer, not wanting to admit he doesn't understand this term, says, "Well, how will I know if they are pregnant?" And the vet replies, "They will roll around in the mud." So the next day, the farmer(assuming artificial insemination means he is supposed to impregnate them himself), puts all the pigs in the truck, drives them out in the woods, and has sex with them all. In the morning, he eagerly awakes and looks out the window-the pigs are just standing around as usual. So, the farmer figures one more try will do the trick. He loads them in the truck, drives them into the woods, and has sex with all of the pigs. The next morning, as he looks out the window, nothing has changed-the pigs are not muddy. Finally, the farmer thinks.."Just one more try." Again, he loads them into the truck, drives into the woods, and has sex with all the pigs. The next morning, the man is too tired to look out the window, so he asks his wife to do it. He says, "Well, are the pigs rolling around in the mud?" And his wife replies, "No.....but they're all huddled up in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn" ***** Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you - Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent!" ***** The Penguin This penguin is taking a trip when his car suddenly breaks down. Luckily for him, he finds himself just down the street from a mechanic. So he pushes his car to the shop and asks the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic tells him it will take a while to find the problem and tells him to come back in an hour. The penguin goes to the supermarket across the street, buys some frozen fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream and spends the rest of the hour hanging out in the frozen foods section, chowing down. After the hour is up, he waddles over to the mechanic's shop. Seeing the penguin come in, the mechanic walks over and, wiping his hands on a rag says, "Looks like you've blown a seal." The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with a flipper and says, "No, it's just vanilla ice cream." ***** In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish & Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. "We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear." It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper. ***** TILBAGE