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From the warped mind of Nick DeCamp, we bring you Chocolate Covered Musings, candy for your brain. A good way to deal with a crisis is to relax, take a deep breath, and act like some kind of deranged chicken. When archaeologists discover a cave painting drawn by some primitive man, I bet they have to use bleach or something, because there's no way that regular detergent is getting that stuff off. If you can't get to sleep, just dig yourself under your blanket and pretend you are buried under a huge mound of food and you have to eat your way to the surface. Whoa, look out for that patch of brussel sprouts. That was close. Once when I was a kid I threw a rock all the way across my yard and pegged a rat right in the head. Then I was really sad, because, hey, what if that was someone's pet? What if some poor boy came looking for his little pet rat? Well, if he did, I would hit that jerk right in the head with a rock, too. It may surprise you to know that Olympic athletes of Ancient Greece competed while totally nude; except, of course, the bobsledders, who were allowed to wear hats. If I may use an analogy; life is like a big thing that spins around really fast or something. I don't know. I'm really bad at analogies. If you love something, set it free. Just make sure you are not near a freeway or anything. Sometimes, I play a little trick on people that makes them really mad. I call it "Whack with a garden shovel." Well, it's not really a trick. It's just a whack with a shovel. It's true that, as individuals, we can't change the world. But if we band together, and lock arms in a line, we can play "Red Rover, Red Rover." This was only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, I would have run down the street to loot the stereo store. I have a bad memory, so I make up little rhymes to help me remember things. Like this: "You're on parole for those things you stole so stop and think before you go hold up that truck-stop on the interstate." I find that one of the most handy, helpful, useful, beneficial, advantageous, valuable items I have in my home is a thesaurus. The haunting fragrance of her perfume lingered with me long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had dissipated. If you are searching desperately for the meaning of life, try the floor of my car, because there's a lot of crap down there. Sometimes it's hard for me to express to my girlfriend how much I love her, especially with that restraining order. So many of the world's great inventions were conceived while the inventor was sitting on the john; including, I think, the plunger. If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning; but a good miter saw is strictly an after-lunch tool. "Listen here, woman!" I say to my wife,"SOMEONE has got to be responsible for the naps around here, and since I'm already on the couch watching TV..." We already have the "Weather Channel," so the next logical step is "The Time Network." Announcer: "Well, it's ten o'clock Eastern Standard Right now, but later on we expect to reach twelve noon. Back to you, Phyllis." If "knowledge is power," why does stupidity reign? A fun word I like to say is "mucus." Go ahead, try it. Mucus, mucus, mucus. See, I told you. If we already eat such things as "corn on the cob," could "rat on a stick" be that far behind? Look, all I have to say is this: Give the damn rabbit some Trix already. Enough is enough. Geez. I believe that each little child is like a fragile little ornament hanging on the Christmas tree of life. Unless you don't celebrate Christmas, then I don't know what. People in today's world are so busy all the time. Everyone needs to stop rushing around. Just stop, give me some money, then keep goin' man, keep goin'. I think there comes a time in every man's life. I think so. That's what I've been told, anyway. Scooby-Doo and Astro from the Jetsons had the same dialect coach. I can remember when my friends and I would watch "The Superfriends" cartoon, and then everyone would pretend to be a Superfriend. I always got to be "The Hall of Justice Jantior." It was great. If you give man a fish, he eats for a day. But give him a magical fish that grants wishes, that would be really cool. When I'm feeling a little blue, that's when I usually find a penny on the ground. And do you know what it says on a penny? "Liberty." That reminds me of the Statue of Liberty, which is in New York City, and I think, man, am I glad I don't live in New York City. Then I feel better. Nothing says friendship like a bag of shaved weasels. Really. The sound of gunshots rang out in the night air. Except they weren't gunshots, it was just some old lady yelling. Hey, shut up lady. Shut up. I think you should use toothpaste to mop the kitchen. That way, you can eat off the floor and fight cavities at the same time. I like to call my pillow "Muchacho," because he's my friend. He's my Mexican pillow friend, Mucahcho. Hola, Muchacho. If I ever were to run for president, my platform would be "snacks," because, hey, who doesn't love snacks? As I stood there alone gazing up into the night sky, the stars seemed to spell out a message for me. "Put your pants back on." And you know, they were right. Do you remember the "Me Decade?" I do. I watched the news all the time and I wasn't on there once. I think they should have called it "Some Other People Decade, and You're Not Really Involved." I think we are too negative with our criminals. People are always saying, "Crime doesn't pay." I think we should be more positive. Tell them, "Hey, crime DOES pay. It pays alot. So don't worry." I think fences just separate us as humans. When you put up a fence, you are saying, "Hey, I don't need anyone else. I'm independent." So when someone drives through your fence, you shouldn't lose your head. Also, it was my brother in-law's car anyway. Remember to remove your shoes before setting yourself on fire, because nothing smells worse than burning rubber. I'm glad we have lots of computers now and are in the Information Age, because I was getting really tired of that other age we were in, and I owed a lot of people money. I remember when my parents bought me a dog and I named it "Freedom." The next day it ran away and never came back. Maybe I should have named it "Incarcerated." Then when it ran away it would have been a little more ironic. I used to think you could jump off the roof with a bunch of garbage bags and they would open up like a parachute, but I never really tried it. I think you should. Doesn't it sound like fun? I think a great name to have would be Hans. Then if someone asked you your name, you could just hold up your hands. Then they would say, "Ten?" Then you would shake your head no. People are stupid sometimes. A fun thing to do is to go to a really nice restaurant and order a pair of pants. Then, when they don't have it, start yelling, "Hey, what kind of restaurant is this! No pants on the menu!" You might think the rest of the customers might rally behind you, they really won't. If God really does have a big master plan for the world, I hope I'm not in charge of towels. Some people think dogs are stupid. They're right. My dog doesn't even know anything about any Broadway shows. I have to laugh. Someday if I have the chance, I would like to sue McDonalds because of their drive through. It is inaccessible to the Auto Impaired. What if you have to walk or skate or something? I mean, why not just call it the "Go-Through-Anyway-You-Want." Actually, I don't have a lot of time so you can take that idea if you want. What I'd like to know is who's going to pay for all that Jell-O? The government? Think again, buster, It's me and you. Well, mostly you. I wish my real name were John Doe, then I could go into trauma centers all the time, go up to unidentified bodies, and say, "That's not John Doe, I'm John Doe!" Then I would show them my license. Trust me, it doesn't work without a license. Also, they won't treat you for injuries inflicted by their own security guards. I think people will agree with me when I say that there is not enough research being done on chafing. A good lucky number is 372.09. Don't use it though because it's mine. Some people just want to put a Band-Aid on the situation. I say, hell, let it bleed, baby, let it bleed. I'll never forget the day Uncle Ned had that big eight-point buck in his sights. Nobody moved a muscle or made a peep. He squeezed that trigger so gently and then BLAM! He blew that stuffed deer right off the lodge wall. Then we all laughed and had a beer. |