|
On the other hand, you have different fingers. -- Steven Wright I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -- Steven Wright My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. -- Steven Wright Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." -- Steven Wright Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steven Wright I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven Wright If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -- Steven Wright "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." -- Steven Wright My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. -- Steven Wright My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. -- Steven Wright Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. -- Steven Wright I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. -- Steven Wright I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -- Steven Wright I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. -- Steven Wright I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. -- Steven Wright I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. -- Steven Wright What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. -- Steven Wright When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven Wright You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? -- Steven Wright I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.-- Steven Wright I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes". -- Steven Wright My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. -- Steven Wright I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. -- Steven Wright I had amnesia once or twice. -- Steven Wright I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. -- Steven Wright I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. -- Steven Wright I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.-- Steven Wright The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. -- Steven Wright I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.-- Steven Wright You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.-- Steven Wright How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?-- Steven Wright I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".-- Steven Wright The sky already fell. Now what? -- Steven Wright I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.-- Steven Wright I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. -- Steven Wright If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?-- Steven Wright When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. -- Steven Wright If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare? -- Steven Wright You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. -- Steven Wright Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... -- Steven Wright I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor. -- Steven Wright Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" -- Steven Wright I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. -- Steven Wright I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. -- Steven Wright I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.-- Steven Wright I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. -- Steven Wright I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. -- Steven Wright You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick." -- Steven Wright There aren't enough days in the weekend. -- Steven Wright My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. - Steven Wright Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on. -- Steven Wright The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. -- Steven Wright Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. -- Steven Wright Is "tired old cliche" one? -- Steven Wright If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? -- Steven Wright If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? -- Steven Wright It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. -- Steven Wright When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives. -- Steven Wright The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. -- Steven Wright Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. -- Steven Wright I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. -- Steven Wright In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. -- Steven Wright I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. -- Steven Wright I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. -- Steven Wright I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done. - Steven Wright Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough. -- Steven Wright I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. -- Steven Wright I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." -- Steven Wright I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. -- Steven Wright I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. -- Steven Wright A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." -- Steven Wright I had my coathangers spayed. -- Steven Wright I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. -- Steven Wright The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. -- Steven Wright I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?" -- Steven Wright Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. -- Steven Wright I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. -- Steven Wright I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. -- Steven Wright I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. -- Steven Wright I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." --Steven Wright I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job." -- Steven Wright I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." -- Steven Wright I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.-- Steven Wright When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. -- Steven Wright Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steven Wright I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.-- Steven Wright It's a fine night to have an evening. -- Steven Wright Even snakes are afraid of snakes. -- Steven Wright I can't stop thinking like this. -- Steven Wright This isn't all true. -- Steven Wright You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. -- Steven Wright Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. -- Steven Wright Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" -- Steven Wright My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me. -- Steven Wright I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. -- Steven Wright What are imitation rhinestones? -- Steven Wright If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know? -- Steven Wright If God dropped acid, would he see people? -- Steven Wright In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. -- Steven Wright I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. -- Steven Wright I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it's like. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." -- Steven Wright "So, do you live around here often?" -- Steven Wright I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.I was an only child....eventually. -- Steven Wright [Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! -- Steven Wright A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." -- Steven Wright I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... -- Steven Wright It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steven Wright I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.-- Steven Wright I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. -- Steven Wright I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. -- Steven Wright I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. -- Steven Wright I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." -- Steven Wright I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". --Steven Wright I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." -- Steven Wright I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." -- Steven Wright I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today. -- Steven Wright I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. -- Steven Wright There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. -- Steven Wright I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. -- Steven Wright For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...-- Steven Wright I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. -- Steven Wright I invented the cordless extension cord. -- Steven Wright I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...my calendar has no sevens on it." -- Steven Wright I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." -- Steven Wright I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday." -- Steven Wright My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. -- Steven Wright I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious! -- Steven Wright All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." -- Steven Wright In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real." -- Steven Wright In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs. -- Steven Wright One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. - Steven Wright All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. -- Steven Wright I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. -- Steven Wright Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. -- Steven Wright I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. -- Steven Wright I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. -- Steven Wright My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. -- Steven Wright The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" -- Steven Wright My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. -- Steven Wright For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward] -- Steven Wright I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. -- Steven Wright I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. -- Steven Wright I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*. -- Steven Wright I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. -- Steven Wright I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy. -- Steven Wright My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out. -- Steven Wright I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. -- Steven Wright I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." -- Steven Wright Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't remember what it was. -- Steven Wright I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. -- Steven Wright A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it." -- Steven Wright I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..." -- Steven Wright One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." -- Steven Wright I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go." -- Steven Wright The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" - Steven Wright When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.-- Steven Wright Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing. -- Steven Wright I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." -- Steven Wright I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. -- Steven Wright One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.-- Steven Wright My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. -- Steven Wright I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." - Steven Wright I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. -- Steven Wright I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank." -- Steven Wright Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. -- Steven Wright There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. -- Steven Wright I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. -- Steven Wright I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. - Steven Wright The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. -- Steven Wright If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.-- Steven Wright [Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! -- Steven Wright They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... --Steven Wright I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. -- Steven Wright I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. -- Steven Wright When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. --Steven Wright I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. -- Steven Wright |