HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding
rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front, and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth Drop pill; put down ruler and rub cat's throat
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink
one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat on cupboard, and close door onto neck,
to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the ------ cat from tree
across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little ------'s front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak
filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home
to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local
pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs available.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1) Wrap it in bacon. Drop on the floor.