As the result of a reduction of funds budgeted for departments, we are
forced to cut down on the number of personnel. Under this plan, older
employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will go into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of
their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal
with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled
to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through
our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given
our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee
feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate
supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.